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(soft piano music) (thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On Nightmare Theatre - Balderdash.

This is just utter balderdash.

Mittens, you know all the bad press they get about eggs.

It's just not true.

It's a pack of hateful, vicious lies.

Eggs are both nutritious and delicious.

Oh, you're right.

Yeah, they are.

They make great weapons too.

I mean, remember that time we, we hit El Sapo with a dozen eggs.

I mean, we'll watch the tape later.

Anyway, I wonder where he is.

We got to get down to the studio soon and start making a new show.

- Hey fellas, how was it going tonight?

How you boys doing?

- What are you- - Say, are you hungry?

Do you want to snack?

- No, I'm not hungry.

And I do not want a snack.

- Oh sure you are.

Here, boys, eat up.

The lollipops and bubblegum around me tonight.

Where did you get the money for candy?

I know for a fact that you haven't been paid in weeks because your paycheck is still being docked.

That's what you get for breaking my "Golden Girls" collectible plate collection.

- Oh, you just let uncle Sapo worry about the money.

Make it hail, boys.

I keep a few pennies stuffed in my mattress and let me tell you, they add up after a while.

- All right.

You know, for a fact you don't have a mattress.

Where did you get that money?

And where is my cut of it?

- Well, you know, I found me a part-time gig.

I earned that money selling certain items to certain individuals just shall we say.

- Sapo, you're not doing anything illegal, are you?

I mean, anything that could fall back on me?

- No, no, no, no.

I just got me a part-time job.

Oh oh.

- (laughing) Yes.

What have we here?

Santa Claus and a couple of cronies.

- Hey, wait.

Who is this guy, boss?

Do you recognize this fella?

- Which of you clowns have been stealing my stuff?

- It wasn't me, it wasn't me.

- There it is.

- Was it you?

- No, it wasn't me.

Who is this guy, who is this guy?

- Say, aren't you a Deep Roy?

- Of course I am Deep Roy.

You guys have been stealing my stuff.

- No, wait a minute.

I've seen all your films going all the way back to "The Pink Panther Strikes" in '76.

You've had a fantastic career in sci-fi and fantasy.

"Blake's 7", "Doctor Who", "Flash Gordon", "Return of the Jedi", "The Neverending Story".

Sir, I am a fan of yours.

- I know you're a fan of mine, but then again, you're a fan of stealing the stuff too.

- We haven't been stealing anything.

So I don't want to have any idea what you're talking about.

This is all a vicious pack of lies.

Mittens is lying about me.

- Hey, don't insult our guest.

- I am a twinkle, twinkle little star.

- Little star is right.

I'll agree with you there.

You are quite a little star, if I may say so myself.

- Hey, don't insult our guest.

- Hey, hey, hey.

(all chattering) What's your name?

- My name is El Sapo de Tempesto.

(Deep Roy laughing) - What?

- El Sapo de Tempesto.

- El Sapo.

- Yes, sir.

- (laughing) El Sapo.

- Yes, sir, it is.

- You know what, El Sapo?

- What's that?

- I'm gonna take care of you right now.

You are lying to me.

- I am not lying to you, sir.

- You are lying to me.

What do you think?

Is he lying to me?

He agrees with me.

- I'm not lying to you, sir.

- He agrees with me.

- My hand to God.

I'm not lying to you, sir.

- All right, look.

We'll check it out now.

Jimbo!

- Oh, what's happening now?

- Come here and- - Oh, no, this can't be good.

- Frisk him up, Jimbo.

Frisk him up, shake him up.

Shake him up.

- I have not- - Shake him up, Jimbo.

- Do it, Jimbo.

- What's that?

- That's nothing, sir.

That's nothing.

I don't know how that got in there.

(screaming) - Come here.

He's got more tapes, Deep.

- Ah.

(El Sapo shouting) There you go, there we go.

- [El Sapo] Help me.

- What have we here?

What have we here, Santa?

- You can take the candy.

(El Sapo screaming) - Sapo, have you been- - Jimbo, take it easy.

Jimbo, all right, don't.

- He's been taking your stuff.

- I know, the guy, Sapo has been stealing the fricking stuff.

- It's not me, I've been framed.

- You've been framed?

- I've been framed, boss.

I've been framed.

- Yeah, right.

- Listen.

= Don't believe it.

- I don't believe you.

Santa.

- [El Sapo] Do I look like I would lie to you, sir?

- I've got a gift for you here.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Don't steal the stuff please.

I'm telling you.

What do you want to do with him?

Just leave him.

He's not worth it.

He's not worth a penny.

Just, just leave them alone.

A bunch of frickin' losers.

El Sapo, ah.

You better watch, dude.

I'm telling you.

- [El Sapo] No mas.

- Oh, the residuals.

All that, look.

Look.

What false stuff.

What a stealing- - I don't know how that got there, sir.

- Lying.

(El Sapo yelling) - I don't know how that got there, sir.

- What are you laughing at?

Hmm?

Watch it, Santa.

Christmas is coming.

I'm going to come and take all the presents from you.

Payback time, Santa.

Payback time.

Payback time, Santa.

Let's go.

- Okay.

- You guys better go?

- You just need to shut your mouth.

You're- - I ain't say nothing.

I didn't say nothing.

- Oh, here we go again.

Oh man.

Oh no, oh my.

Well.

- Are they gone, boss?

Are they gone?

- Yeah, they're gone.

- They're glad they left when they did.

I could have taken that guy.

I could have taken the guy in the jeans jacket.

I know I could've taken that guy.

- At least Deep Roy, the great actor, brought us something we can show while we get down to this.

I mean, what even- - Is my arms supposed to be bent like this?

- No, it's supposed to be bent that way.

Good gravy.

But let's just, let's just watch this.

- Okay.

I still think I could take that guy.

(beeping) (grand orchestral music) (thunder crashing) (dramatic orchestral music) - You never used up that special test light inside the cabinet, sire.

You will be able to see the death dust as it enters the chamber.

Bring the prisoners!

(dramatic orchestral music) - Turn on the death dust.

(laser blasting) Flash Gordon!

- You didn't think you'd get away with this, did you, Ming?

(suspenseful orchestral music) - He's broken the glass chamber.

I'll release the death dust and kill them all!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (indistinct) - Even the blast of its breadth is deadly poison.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (screaming) - Hello and welcome back.

I hope you somehow enjoy that trailer for "Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe."

Deep Roy gave it to us out of the goodness of his heart and while it looks awful, it's the thought that counts.

And here's a thought.

Once again, it's El Sapo's fault we're in this leaky barnacle-encrusted boat in the middle of a hopeless ocean of despair, surrounded by hungry sharks and angry stingrays.

Speaking of despair, I wonder where El Sapo is.

He hitchhiked to the hospital, but I'm sure they've kicked them out by now.

- Hey guys, hey guys.

How you doing?

Good news, good news.

That guy only inflicted minor drain bamage and that honestly happens to me all the time.

I've been hit in the head more times than you can shake a stick at, but you know something.

I think I could have taken that big lummox if I'd have had my fightin' pants on.

- No, not a chance.

Nope, no way.

- But I tell you what though.

I'm a man who learns his lessons.

That is the absolute last time I'm going to listen to that curator guy with all those props.

- What are you babbling about?

- It was all his idea.

He said if I needed some quick cash, you know, some folding money, I could sell those tapes and get the toupee Burt Reynolds wore in "Sharky's Machine."

- Oh no, no, no.

Don't you go dragging other people into this.

You committed the crime and you got exactly what was coming to you.

And by the way, I never did get my cut of the profits.

I swear, I have half a mind to steal a trained monkey from the carnival to replace you.

Let me ask you something.

- Oh.

Wow.

That's very sweet of you, boss.

But like I said, I'm fine.

They gave me some animal medicine.

You know, it turns out that our medical insurance doesn't cover me for people medicine.

I'll be okay in a year or two.

In fact, you know what?

I'm just going to take off these bandages right now.

I'm fine.

I appreciate your asking how I was doing.

I'm glad that you were worried about me.

- You think I care about your health?

I was actually wondering if you had a movie for tonight.

I know you don't, but I am duty bound to ask.

Do you have a movie for once?

- For once, I do.

- Well, that's just typ, wait what?

You actually have a movie.

Wow.

Maybe that guy knocked some sense into you after all.

- Not bloody likely.

- Well, at least we agree on that.

So how did you find a movie?

- Well, I was deep down in the ICU waiting for the results, you know, of my brain scan.

- That seems like an unnecessary test, but go on.

- Apparently get this, get this.

My skull is on the thick side so at first the machine couldn't see anything.

You're going to think this is funny.

You're going to think this is funny.

The doctors were joking that maybe my head was made out of solid bone.

They even took some side bets.

- Oh, I wish I could have gotten in on some of that action.

- So while the doctors were recalibrating the machine, I saw a movie wedged in between some Q-tips and an old X-ray machine.

And while the orderly was distracted, I lifted it.

And I think for a change, I have found a movie directed by a lady.

- A lady?

- Yeah, a lady named Francis.

- Francis with an I or with an E. - I think it starts with an F, boss.

- That's not, you know what?

Nevermind.

Francis.

Hmm?

- Yeah.

Francis Coppolo, Cuppolo, Culpala.

Something like that.

Anyway, it's by a lady named Francis.

- I think you mean Francis Coppola, known as Francis Ford Coppola.

- (scoffing) Your guess is as good as mine.

- Wait a minute.

Oh no.

Oh no, it can't be what I think it is.

- Is it?

It's called "Dementia 13."

Now I'm going to tell you guys right from jump street, I didn't see Dementias one through 12.

So I am going to be lost and you're going to help me out.

- You could get lost in a closet with one entrance.

- That's true.

It happened three times last winter.

I was in that closet for two weeks.

I'd be there yet if mittens hadn't sniffed me out.

- Oh, thank you so much, Mittens.

As usual, I'm going to have to educate you.

A, Francis Ford Coppola is a man and B, it was called "Dementia 13" because after it was made, they realized there was already a movie named "Dementia" so they slapped a 13 on the end.

You'll see why in the film.

- Attached a number to the end, like in "Leonard Part 6", you know that really confused me.

- Okay, whatever.

At any rate, this is by far the worst movie you have ever found.

(El Sapo scoffing) - It can't be that bad.

- Oh no, it truly is.

Look, viewers, I'm pleading with you.

One of you must, out there, has an uncle or an aunt or maybe a fourth cousin who works for the FCC.

I'm beseeching you, call them and have them do whatever it takes to stop us from airing this movie.

Shut us down, pull our license, shoot down our satellite, do whatever it takes.

Even I can't be responsible for the hurt this movie will cause.

- But there's got to be one of them sliver linings, right?

There's got to be at least one good thing, you know, one diamond in the coal, one, do you think of it as a rose in the thorn bush?

One cherry in the can of fruit cocktail.

One good thing has to have come out of this movie.

You know, I've been listening to a lot of books on tape on the power of positive thinking and I've been trying to find some positivity in my life.

- Well, good luck there.

- I'm here to tell you it's hard, but there's got to be a good thing in this movie if we look hard enough.

- Well, there is one thing.

- Ah-ha, I knew it.

Lay it on me, Pappy.

- Pappy?

Whatever.

Don't go dancing in the street just yet.

Here's your tarnished silver lining.

There's a line in this film where the character Louise describes another female character as an American girl, you can tell she was raised on promises.

- Uh, I have no, I have no idea what that means, boss.

- No one does.

But many people think that Tom petty used that particular line in his song "American Girl" because of this movie.

Tom Petty sang, ♪ She was an American girl ♪ Raised on promises ♪ She couldn't help thinking that there was ♪ ♪ A little more to life than somewhere else ♪ - Who is this Tim Petty?

- Tom Petty was, you know what?

You can look that up for yourself.

Folks, I'm not happy about this either, but in trying times we have to soldier forth.

So sit back, relax and start writing those angry letters to El Sapo for inflicting this train wreck on us all.

If you're looking for synonyms for stupid, might I suggest brainless or dim or even callow, you can lay all the blame squarely at his feet.

But think about it this way.

This film is 75 minutes long.

- See?

That positive, boss.

Those tapes are paying off.

- It's short, but trust me, it'll be the worst 75 minutes of your life.

So here it is, the cinematic atrocity of 1963, "Dementia 13", here on "Nightmare Theatre."

(static hissing) (grand orchestral music) (light rockabilly music) ♪ Oh, once again people ♪ It's quick and it's quick ♪ Kills me ♪ And we start to shake ♪ Boy, you can see it, we don't stop ♪ ♪ And then it's gonna start with me ♪ - [Louise] John.

Let's go to bed.

- I want to take the boat out alone.

I'll be up later.

- [Louise] No, I'll go with you.

♪ It's hard to speak ♪ Kills me ♪ And my knees get weak ♪ Tell me that you love me ♪ I'll ride over any day of the week ♪ ♪ Well you're the only one that I'll ever love ♪ ♪ The one that I'm dreaming of ♪ Oh, let me drive down there - John, that will is no good.

Your mother's still alive.

We can talk her into changing it.

- You were always too greedy, Louise.

- I just don't like to see her exploiting you.

Honey, she's leaving all of your family's money to charity in the name of this mysterious Kathleen.

It's ridiculous.

Your mother is crazy.

- You don't know anything about it.

- I know that music's terrible.

♪ Oh tease me ♪ I can hardly speak ♪ It kills me ♪ My knees weak - John, you're rowing too hard.

Let me row.

- You're concerned about me, Louise.

Is it my heart?

- [Louise] Quit.

- You're only a member of the family as long as you're my wife.

If I die before mother, you're a stranger, entitled to nothing.

- Now you've done it.

Where are the pills?

- [John] In, in the coat.

- It's empty, you idiot!

♪ Oh, where did she go ♪ Oh, that's all I can say ♪ Think about her night and day ♪ ♪ Oh, her starry eyes - Row faster, Louise.

If I die, there's nothing in it for you.

(laughing) - Shut up.

(John gasping) John.

John?

(Louise screaming) (Louise slapping) (breathing heavily) Now what do I do?

I got to get rid of him.

♪ Oh, I've had some crazy dreams ♪ ♪ Kills me ♪ And I start to scream ♪ Oh, excuse me, I'm off my start ♪ ♪ I bet of all of it, the stars get weak ♪ ♪ You're the only one that I'll ever love ♪ ♪ You're the one that I'm thinking of ♪ ♪ Baby, stop ♪ Oh, let me come over there ♪ I feel the same ♪ Oh, where did she go (water splashing) ♪ Oh, let's play hide and seek ♪ Hide and seek (radio garbling) (ominous orchestral music) (Louise breathing heavily) - Oh, I have to get rid of his things.

I'll say he went back to New York on business or something.

Mother, I am terribly sorry, but I have received an urgent wire from New York.

Since I must leave tonight, I will be forced to miss Kathleen's memorial ceremony, but you all know my thoughts will be with her, in loving memory.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Your loving son, John.

I'll pack the things he would have taken, a suit, some shirts.

Finally rid of him.

I know I can handle his mother without him around.

She's half crazy anyway.

I can get rid of her one way or the other.

I'd better watch out for his brothers though, especially the older one, Richard.

The typewriter, he wouldn't forget that.

He'd have to write letters on the plane.

I wonder if he'll rot under water.

Everything, everything.

(suspenseful orchestral music) I'll make her change that ridiculous will.

Your loving son, John, fat John.

(water splashing) - I hope everything works out with John's business.

- I'm sure everything will be fine.

Your brother's always had a way of solving his own problems.

I'm sorry.

We're in your way.

- What do you think of Ireland and Castle Haloran?

- Iron in the sky, Castle Haloran is a bit perplexing.

A very strange place really, old and musty, the kind of place you'd expect a ghost to like to wander around in, kind of a haunted castle.

- Castle Haloran is haunted.

- By your mother?

- By Kathleen.

- I know very little about her.

In fact, I didn't even know you had a sister until we arrived here.

- There's not that much to know about her really.

My mother was about 40 when she gave birth to Kathleen.

(eerie piano music) It was like a gift she used to say, an apple for the starving and Kathleen for me.

She even had a poem.

"Three sons, each who would marry and go away, but little Kathleen would always stay."

It's engravened on her little tombstone now.

- How did she die?

- She drowned at the pond.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Hello and welcome back.

See folks, we made it through.

I knew together, we'd get through this unscathed.

So that was "Dementia 13."

I was right, wasn't I?

It was just awful.

El Sapo, what do we have on tap for next week?

- Boss, we still got like an hour to go.

This movie is not over yet.

- What, what?

Huh?

I could've sworn we've been watching this for hours, days even.

Doesn't it seem like we've been watching this movie for, for like three weeks.

- Oh, not at all.

And you know what?

You know what boss, even if we have been watching it for six months, it wouldn't bother me a bit.

Time just flies by like an eagle when I'm with you, boss.

- No, thank you.

Each minute with you seems like at least an hour and the hours seem like days.

Sometimes I'm positive that time stops when I have to spend it with you.

- The moments do tend to last forever.

Don't they boss?

- Yeah.

Yeah, they do.

And when you add an awful movie to the mix, time actually seems to be running in reverse.

Folks, I'm calling it now.

We are never going to make it to the end of this movie.

- Positivity.

- Mittens, would you mind eating me to put me out of my misery?

Here's my arm, start there.

Oh no, no, no.

Wait.

I have to think positively.

- Positivity pays off boss.

- No it doesn't.

- I'm going to try to stay positive.

I've been watching this movie, well, sorta, and I don't recognize any of the people in it.

Did they ever go on to do anything else?

- What do you think?

- I honestly find thinking to be very dangerously for a man in my position.

- For you it definitely is.

Some of the cast did do other things.

Luana Anders who plays Louise was on hundreds of TV shows from "The Andy Griffith Show" to "That Girl" to "Dragnet" and even "Hunter."

- I don't remember any of those shows.

- Few people do.

And for good reason.

William Campbell who played Richard was another dirty denizen of the briney TV deep.

He slithered onto such shows as "The Streets of San Francisco", "Quincy", and "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues", and believe me, that legend should never have continued.

The rest of the cast never really did much else worth talking about, except for Patrick McGee who plays Justin.

He was in many classic British offerings, such as "The Canterbury Tales", "King Lear", and even "BBC Play of the Month" series.

But he's best known as Mr. Alexander in "A Clockwork Orange."

- You know, I was up for that role, but they said I was too talented.

- Okay.

All right.

I should also mention Bart Patton who plays Billy.

He was the voice of the announcer in George Lucas's "THX 1138."

He should've stuck to voice work.

That way no one would have to look at him.

That man has a face that suggests God has a sense of humor.

- The very reason I wear a mask.

- Good point.

- You know, you were talking about the director fellow earlier.

What else did he do?

You would think that after making this movie, he would be, you know, locked up in prison or something.

- You would think that, wouldn't you, but you'd be wrong.

We'll talk more about the director later.

Right now, let's throw caution to the wind and leap back into "Dementia 13" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- [Woman Over PA] Passengers arriving from London and port.

Aer Lingus Irish International Airlines wish you, (speaking foreign language) Your baggage will be delivered shortly on the conveyor belt.

Passengers traveling onward by air today should check at the passenger service desk.

- Excuse me, miss.

Uh, are you Kane?

- Yes.

Hello.

- Oh, I'm Billy, Richard's brothers.

I came to get you.

- Oh, hi.

I'm so happy to met you.

- Nice to meet you.

Oh, Richard's sorry he couldn't come to get you, but he's, well, he's up to his elbows in statues so I said I wouldn't mind picking you up.

- Thanks.

That's awfully nice of you, Billy.

- Aer Lingus Irish International Airlines wish you (speaking foreign language) Your baggage will be delivered shortly on the conveyor belt.

- My oldest brother, John, had to leave early this morning, but his wife, Louise, is still here.

She's from America so you won't get homesick.

- Uh, that's my bag.

- Oh.

- Is it cold?

- Freezing.

But all old castles are like that.

To tell you the truth, Castle Haloran gives me nightmares.

(chuckling) There it is.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Unbelievable.

- We'll leave the luggage for a minute.

Come on.

I'll take you to him.

This is where he works.

(metal clattering) - What is this?

- I'm sorry, Richard.

- [Richard] Kane.

(romantic orchestral music) I love you.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't pick you up myself, honey, but I wanted to finish this statue.

You look wonderful.

- [Lady Haloran] When I find a statue reminds me of death.

- How very unusual, Lady Haloran, for a woman to have been married to such famous a sculptor and you'd feel that way.

- Didn't, uh, John mention when he was going to return?

- He wasn't sure.

We thought I'd stay on for a while to get to know the family.

And then if he couldn't make it back, I'd just return to New York.

- How long is a little while?

- As long as you like, mother.

- Well, you're very welcome here, Louise, as long as you understand the privacy of our personal duties.

I speak of the ceremony tomorrow.

I'm sure John explained it to you.

- I'm afraid John was usually too busy to talk much about the family.

That's why I'm so happy to be here, finally.

- You'll have a pleasant stay and I'm sure you can find something to occupy your time during the ceremony.

It won't take very long.

Perhaps I am superstitious, but I think it's important that only the immediate members of the family should give their thoughts to Kathleen.

Excuse me.

- Mother, I don't care what tragedy hangs over this family.

I want to get married.

I'm engaged to be married and I'm going to get married.

Moreover, I'm going to marry, Kane.

Mother, Kathleen's dead.

She's been dead for seven years.

- You never talked so much when you were a child.

- No.

But I cried a lot, didn't I?

I'm afraid I might be doing that again if you frighten her away from me.

- You want me to include her?

To talk to her?

- Yes.

Yes, I do.

- Very well.

I will.

I'll tell her I don't care for her.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Mother.

You hurt her and I promise you I'll never forget it.

(dramatic orchestral music) I thought you said you didn't ride very much?

- Hmm.

I don't.

I'm just showing off because I finally got you to myself.

- [Louise] Good morning.

- Oh, good morning, Louise.

- It's nice to see her enjoying herself for a change.

The mood around this place isn't good for her.

- Aw, she may be right.

- Especially an American girl.

You can tell she's been raised on promises.

What are you gonna do about that?

- What are you going to do about that?

- I don't understand.

- I saw you squirming when mother read the will.

You gave John enough dirty looks to give him a heart attack.

- Don't joke about that.

You know he has a bad heart.

Ah.

But I know you didn't mean anything by it.

You know, I think you ought to spend more time with your wife to be.

- You're am intelligent woman, Louise.

You notice things, size people up.

You know when they're happy and you know when something's bothering them.

I want you to do me a little favor.

- Of course.

- Keep that microscope you've got built into your eye off of me.

I'll see you.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Boss, boss, boss.

She just said that Richard Petty line you told me about!

- That's Tom Petty, you maroon.

- Oh, okay.

Tom Petty then.

Do you really think Tom Petty saw this movie and was influenced by it?

- Apparently so.

The line from the movie scene is eerily close to the line in the song.

In fact, this film has been referenced in a few movies over the years, believe it or not.

- Oh, I believe everything, every word you say to me, boss.

Like when you said I was allergic to, you know, cash and that you should hold all my folding money so I wouldn't get sick.

- Yes, well, as I was saying, "Dementia 13" has been referenced in a few movies.

It was on the marquee in the movie "American Graffiti."

- I didn't see that one, boss.

- Maybe a cartoon is more your speed.

In "The Incredibles 2", there's a movie called "Dementia 113" advertised on a sign.

And also in an episode of "The Sopranos", the characters, Meadow and Noah talk about seeing the film.

- Wait, wait, wait.

I've been watching this movie, you know, sorta and it looked pretty bad to me.

If it is so bad then why does it get referenced so often?

- Three words.

- Lots of bribes.

- No, Francis Ford Coppola.

- That's the fellow you mentioned earlier, the director, is he some kind of big deal?

Did he win a lot of money on a game show or something?

- Yes, Sapo.

He is a very big deal.

He went on to be one of the world's greatest directors.

He directed great movies like the Godfathers parts one, two, three, well, two out of three ain't bad.

He directed "Apocalypse Now", "The Outsiders", "Finian's Rainbow."

- So lots of great movies.

- Yep.

Sadly, this is one of the few black marks on his career.

Well this and "Captain EO", which ran for 11 years at Disney world's Epcot Center.

- I remember you telling me about "Captain EO."

Didn't you have to spend like a week in an insane asylum after you saw it.

- It was a convalescence home.

Thank you very much.

I was suffering from acute exhaustion and "Captain EO" pushed me over the edge and I just collapsed.

- Well, here's a question for you.

You can chime in too, Mittens.

Which one was worse?

"Dementia 13" or "Captain EO?"

- Film historians have agreed, it's one of those questions that literally has no answer.

Just pondering it has caused some people to descend into madness.

- Like you, after you saw "Captain EO."

- No, no, real madness.

Some poor souls never recovered from that question.

It's truly sad.

- Speaking of sad, can you tell me how this movie got made in the first place?

- I can, but I have to mention someone we vowed to never speak of again.

Roger Corman.

- Calm, calm, calm down, boy.

Roger isn't here, is he?

- No he isn't.

But the rotten fruits of his labor are.

For you see, Roger Corman produced this film.

- Come on, he's not here.

It's just a movie, boss.

Boys, it's just a movie.

Calm down.

Can we get back to the movie?

I think I have some medicine that the vet gave me that will calm him down.

We're going to be all right.

- That's not a bad idea.

Folks, while El Sapo prepares a calmative for Mittens let's return to "Dementia 13" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- This one set in all right.

Oh, there's plenty a view from up there.

- Must be very interesting to know about all the secret passageways.

- Oh, I know them all.

I've been here 20 years.

- 20 years, how wonderful.

- Aw, well, you know how it is.

You get used to a family and you get to like your room and you get to know the run of the house.

And before know it, there you are, 20 years.

- You must have been here then when, uh, the little girl... - Aw, yes.

That was a sad thing, that was.

Lord Haloran was a much loved man and he invited one of the country fellas up here for his wedding.

Oh, a big wedding that was, a big banquette, and everyone invited.

She was all dressed up as the bridesmaid, running about to her heart's content all over the place.

There's never been a wedding here since.

- What about Kane and Richard?

- Well, it's not my business, but I wouldn't be betting you'd see another wedding here.

Well, I must go back to work.

(dramatic orchestral music) (eerie orchestral music) (frogs croaking) (suspenseful orchestral music) - [Kane] Billy.

Billy.

Billy, are you all right?

- Oh, hello, Kane.

Oh, sure.

Sure, I'm fine.

I was just remembering about Kathleen.

- Kathleen?

Oh, yes, the little girl.

Richard told me all about her.

- We used to play together right here.

Sometimes I think I can still hear her laughing, just like then.

- Is, is this the pond where- - Yes.

She was missing all night.

Mother was frantic, uh, almost uncontrollable.

The next morning we found Kathleen floating in water right over there.

- I'm sorry, Billy.

- No, Kane, I'm sorry.

I'm not always so morbid.

It's just the, the funeral ceremony is today.

- It's a very beautiful pond.

You know, this is all just exactly like I imagined Ireland would be.

- It rained the day of the funeral.

We stood around her grave under black umbrellas, then we threw flowers under her little headstone.

Mother looked at the flowers, then she collapsed.

Every year it's been the same.

the umbrellas, flowers and mother's collapse.

- [Kane] But that was years ago.

Why do you keep having the same ceremony over and over again?

- There's some things you don't understand, not yet.

Mother's probably waiting.

Is Richard ready for the ceremony?

- I don't know.

I think he's in his studio.

He said he had a sudden inspiration.

Something about wanting to finish his statue before- (ominous orchestral music) - All right, Simon.

I've seen you.

Come out of there now.

- I give up.

you caught me fair and square, Master Billy.

I give meself up.

- So, it's poaching again, are you, Simon?

Well, let me tell you, you just about scared the wits out of poor Miss Kane here.

Shame on you, Simon.

Shame on you.

- It was only old bushy tail I'm after, the sewer rat.

I swear by the shade of Thinmaku, Master Billy, I'm not poaching illegal game.

No, 'tis only that no good rabbit stealing fox that bring me here.

Please, Master Billy, for the memory of your late, great father, god rest his soul, don't turn me over to the bulls.

- Of course not, Simon.

But don't let me catch you running around through the brush again like this.

Now, off with you.

- Oh, god bless you, my boy.

It is a true sign of the late, great Lord of this estate, you are.

Forgive me, miss.

The last thing in the world Old Simon would want to do is to frighten a fresh young beauty like yourself.

- [Kane] Bye, Simon.

- Old Simon likes to think of himself as the last of the great Irish poachers.

- Isn't that dangerous running around with a gun like that?

- I don't think it's been fired for 30 years.

I'm not even sure it's loaded.

- Well, then how does he catch anything or does he?

- Well, he sets out snares for rabbits and when he find them empty, he blames it on old bushy tail.

Old bushy tail's a fox, or at least Simon thinks so.

Nobody's ever seen old bushy tail and I don't think that Simon has either.

(dramatic orchestral music) (eerie atmospheric music) (screaming) - Please, let me help.

Have Lillian prepare her room.

I'll take care of her.

What happened?

- One of the flowers died when it touched her grave.

- Okay, there, there this oughta hold him.

Let's just put this, put this little fella down for a while.

Now we're good boss.

Okay.

- Hello and welcome back.

El Sapo had administered a shot to Mittens and he should be calm now.

Let's test it.

Roger Corman.

- Roger Corman.

- There, the medicine from the vet seems to work be working out, he's not- - Let me tell you about Corman.

- Corman.

- Okay, he's not, he's not reacting.

Okay, I think we're good.

In 1963, Roger Corman churned out a film called "The Young Racers."

- Whoa, start from the start.

How was he even making movies back then?

I thought back in those days, you know, only the big studios with lots of money made movies.

- Studios only made movies they knew or strongly assumed would sell.

They seldom took risks.

Independent filmmakers, like Corman raised their own money and made their own films.

Corman had an eye for talent and he gave many greats their start, folks like, you know, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, Peter Fonda, Ron Howard, Joe Dante, Penelope Spheeris, and yes, even Coppola, all got their start thanks in large part to Roger Corman.

- You know, I am so impressed.

You sure seem to know a lot about this man.

- It's my business to know about things like this.

If you want to know more about Corman, look for his book, "How I Made 100 Movies in Hollywood and Never Lost a dime."

- [El Sapo] Wow.

It sure is lucky we had a copy of that book on hand, isn't it, boss?

- I had a feeling I was going to need it when I woke up this afternoon.

It's a great book, full of useful information on how Corman made his movies.

It also describes how he made money and I am always interested in that subject.

- He made money with this movie?

- Well, he didn't lose money.

- A-ha.

Well, tell me how this got made if you know so much.

- Well, as you know, Corman was a notorious tightwad and he saved money wherever he could.

He was even cheaper than you.

After "The Young Racers wrapped", Corman had about $22,000 leftover and it was burnin' a hole in his plaid, polyester pockets.

So he rounded up Coppola and tasked him with making a movie similar to "Psycho."

- Oh So this movie is in the same league as "Psycho."

- No, no.

This movie is about 20,000 leagues below "Psycho."

However, to be fair, I guess you could say they are similar in some ways.

They're both filmed in black and white.

They both have actors and actresses saying lines on a set.

People get killed in both movies and they both have a definitive beginning and an ending and that's where the similarities end.

- Well, that is something, I guess.

- Here's one problem with the comparison to "Psycho."

"Dementia 13" was shot in just nine days.

By contrast some say it took a week just to shoot the shower scene in "Psycho."

Interestingly, "Psycho" wrapped shooting on February 1st, 1960.

Nine days past the scheduled stop date.

- Well, nine days, that is a coincidence, boss.

- I suppose.

Here's another problem.

Coppola both wrote and directed this film.

"Psycho", by contrast, was an original novel by Robert Bloch.

The great Joseph Stephano wrote the screenplay and Coppola did this all by himself.

And even though a line inspired Tom Petty, musically, the rest of the dialogue is the stuff rejection slips are made of.

It's almost as if the script was written in one language, translated into German via the cheapest computer program available, then translated back into English by a guy who didn't speak English or German.

One of the characters said, "Consider your mind as a bird in the hand."

- What does that mean?

- Exactly.

Another character says, "Keep that microscope you've got built into your eye off of me."

- It's a shame Tom Petty didn't write a song with that line in it.

- Listen, Tom Petty was good, but he wasn't that good.

- Well, at least he found something useful in this mess.

- I can't.

Maybe you folks can though.

Let's return to "Dementia 13" and if any of the lines in the movie inspire you to write a song, send it and I'll record it and we'll go on tour.

- Can I go with you?

- No, let's just get back to the film.

- Oh.

- Shh.

Rest.

(eerie orchestral music) There's something in this house, like music in the hallways, like a child's music asking me something, but more like begging me.

- Begging for what?

- Begging for her mother to listen to her.

- You know?

- [Louise] I heard her.

She asks for you.

- Poor tiny thing.

- She wants you to listen to her, to watch for her signs.

- Oh, I do try.

Do you know what she wants?

- She'll tell me.

I promise you.

She'll tell me.

You'll rest.

She'll give us a sign.

I promise you.

Shh.

(dramatic orchestral music) (door clicking) (door creaking) (eerie orchestral music) (toy clattering) (ominous organ music) (toy clattering) (ominous orchestral music) (door creaking) - [Richard] Are you lost?

- No, are you?

- I think you'll find that you're in quite the wrong part of Castle Haloran to find your room.

Goodnight, Louise.

- Good night.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (frogs croaking) (suspenseful orchestral music) (intense orchestral music) (screaming underwater) (screaming) (ax thudding) (screaming) (ominous organ music) (thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - So let me try this again.

How can I explain this to you?

TJ Hooker and Captan Kirk are the same guy.

- Same guy, but different roles, different roles, but they go the same uniform, no?

- No, it's not.

- Oh.

- Yes, my friends.

And welcome once again, we're down here in the sub sub sub sub basement of the television studio.

Once again, with a mysterious curator and we're going to find out what he brought with him today to show us.

Curator, what do you have here?

- I have a pair of Academy Award winning feet here.

- Wow, Academy Award winners.

- These are bat feet that were used in the making of "Bram Stoker's Dracula" directed by Francis Ford Coppola.

- [El Sapo] Francis Ford Coppola.

- Makeup effects by Greg Cannom, only his second film and he won the Academy Award for best makeup for this film.

Went on to win three more Academy Awards, also for the makeup in "Mrs. Doubtfire", "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and "Vice."

- Wow.

And so how would these have been used in the film?

Because obviously Gary Oldman didn't put these on or a stuntman didn't put these on.

- No, these were made specifically for what we would call an insert shot.

So that's when they close up on something where they may not necessarily showing the actor or they need to just show a little piece of action, a little piece of something.

In this case, these are when he was in bat form, this would've been his feet.

So like if he's hanging upside down in bat form- - I've been like that a lot.

- It'd be those feet hanging upside down.

- And so how many pairs of these do you think they would have made for the film or would have it just made specifically for that scene?

Or would they have made, you know, other ones for different scenes or- - Yeah, it depends on what they needed to use them for and how much wear and tear they might get during the actual production?

Normally you'd think at least two.

So you have a backup if something happens, but if it's something that was just a quick insert and only used for that one insert, they might've only made one.

- And it's fairly easy once, 'Cause they would sculpt this into a mold obviously, and then pour it.

And as you can see in here, it's kind of a foam in the inside of them.

That's kind of an interesting look, you know, that's how they kind of make these things.

So they're not really that durable, it's kind of amazing that they survive in a lot of cases.

- Yeah, you would think with the holes in them, you would think that they would have used some kind of rods in there to hold those in place where they needed to be again, you know, the most famous scene where these were used, they were actually upside down.

So they were probably being held up on rods by somebody slightly off camera.

- And with the film like "Bram Stoker's Dracula" where there was a lot of special effects, a lot of makeup, a lot of prosthetics, they probably had these duplicated in different, you know, configurations.

Like they had a whole suit, a guy, obviously they had a whole bat form of Dracula in that.

So he'd have a whole suit and, you know, so there's just many different applications for these in that kind of film because that's a heavy, you know, a special effects kind of film.

- Yeah, heavy make up especially.

So yeah, in the case like that, you know, they probably had these, they probably had some other scenes where it was just a hand or an arm or, you know, just somebody just wearing just the face mask.

'Cause they're just shooting them from the neck up.

There's probably several different pieces.

And then there are, you know, there were scenes in that with a full bat costume.

So there would be somebody wearing a full costume like that.

- And obviously, you know, that film, they had done a lot of, you know, the denture appliances.

And because obviously Dracula vampire's teeth, you know, Lucy Westenra, you know, also in there, turned into a vampire, gorgeous makeup in that, and special effects in that, as you said, Oscar winning, it was a fantastic display.

- And even those teeth become collectibles in the prop-collecting world.

- Teeth are collectible?

- I have seen, I don't personally have any in our collection, but I have seen in particular, Gary Oldman's dentures from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" on sale in various auctions.

- I will get you some teeth.

- No, you, you, you keep the jar of teeth in your room.

So, so again, we talked about this before, I know, but what happens to these things after the film is over?

Like what, where they originally, I know there wasn't, when you talked about prop collectors, there wasn't really a prop-collecting market for a long time.

And then suddenly people decided, well, maybe we should hold on to this stuff.

- Yeah, I mean, there's stuff that has just vanished that just doesn't exist anymore, has gotten damaged.

But there were some things that people that worked on productions kept because they wanted to, some people liked that, to keep souvenirs.

Sometimes the studios keep things, thinking they're going to showcase them.

In particular, Disney and Warner Bros. have excellent archives where they've stored a lot of the things from their productions.

- A vault, - And now they pretty much store everything.

And it's very rare to see anything from those movies out anymore.

- Right.

- So it's grown as people have gained some knowledge and wanted to really, take track of movie history.

tory hi - And the same kind of thing that happened to animation cells and even happened to films in the early days, because no one thought after a film was done, it would have a life again.

So, well, thank you again for bringing us such an interesting piece today.

And let's get back to the film here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- How much can I get for a toenail?

- Consider your mind as a bird in your hand.

When it's relaxed, it lies quiet and easy.

But when it's tense, it's frightened.

It strains to leave you.

Quite a simple principle, isn't it.

- You're engaged to treat my body, not my mind.

- I do try to separate that which nature has joined.

What I'm trying to say is this, that every year at this time you work yourself toward a point of hysteria.

You remember, you worry, you imagine and then you collapse.

I just can't believe there's such a punctual cycle as physiological.

- And aside from all this, am I well?

- Aside from all this?

Oh, yes.

What I want you to do is to rest and to relax your mind.

Remember, the, uh, bird in your hand.

(knocking on door) Come in.

Uh, will you bring a summer dress for madam, something youthful and cheerful so that we can have lunch on the terrace.

- And my daughter-in-law, Louise.

- [Lillian] She's isn't in her room.

I don't think she slept there last night if you were to ask me.

- Yeah, but nobody's asking you, little girl.

Now, hurry up with the lunch or I'll wish five years of spinsterhood on you.

- I must know where Louise is.

- I never noticed this interest in your daughter-in-law before.

- Will you please find her, Lillian?

- Yes, madam.

- Her ladyship's summer dress.

- Anything will do.

Tell her I must see her.

Do you understand?

- Excuse me, Mr. Haloran.

The mistress sent me to find your sister-in-law, Louise.

Have you seen her, sir?

- I'm sorry, Lillian.

We left pretty early this morning.

She's not in her room?

- [Lillian] No, sir.

Her room wasn't even slept in.

- Try asking my brother.

- Yes, sir.

Lunch will be served on the terrace.

- Thank you.

- I wonder where she is.

- I don't know.

- Ask me what I did today.

- Right.

What did you do today?

- Nothing.

Ask me why.

- Why?

- Because you weren't there.

I thought you were going to work.

- If you're going to be my wife, you'll have to be of the trusting silent variety.

- Hey, Richard.

You seen Louise?

- [Richard] Uh, no, I haven't.

Why?

- I don't know.

Mother's looking for her.

- Oh, is that Caleb?

He's back.

Good afternoon, mother.

Good morning, Caleb.

- How are you, Richard?

- I'm fine, Caleb.

- And no more headaches I trust?

Unpleasant things, headaches, gnawing away at a man's most valuable possessions.

And congratulations on your charming fiance.

- Lillian.

- Patrick hasn't seen her, ma'am.

And Arthur says that none of the cars, except Master Billy's, has been used.

- Have you counted the silver?

- Probably the most astute diagnose you've ever made, Caleb.

- You're all being ridiculous.

(water bubbling) (eerie orchestral music) Kathleen.

The tiara, she wants the tiara.

- Dolls?

Now, this is ridiculous.

Put it away, probably belongs to the gardener's child.

Now, this is very bad for your mother.

- They're Kathleen's dolls.

- I saw them float up from the bottom of the pond.

- One of you has a brilliantly imaginative and sadistically effective mind.

I wish I could keep up with it.

- Dr. Caleb, take this home and study it.

- Fish the rest of them out.

Burn them.

(eerie orchestral music) - Oh boy, this is gonna be great.

While the boss and Mittens are down in the break room, eating those day-old donuts I fished out of the dumpster, I've got a chance.

Here, just let me seal this envelope.

You know, if I could bottle the taste of that glue, I'd be a millionaire.

Oh wait, here they come.

- I'm telling you, Mittens.

He's got to find another donut shop.

Those things were awful.

I don't even know what we were eating?

That was awful.

Yeah, I know.

I got one of those glazed you had it had a bandaid on it.

Where do you think Sapo gets those donuts?

- Well, I got them at the donut shop store place downtown where you know where you buy them with money?

What are you implying?

- All donuts are good.

Don't get me wrong.

I love experimental flavors, but those were, no matter, what are you doing?

- You know, I was just checking the mail, boss and it looks like we got a response to the request you made.

- I made no request.

I never make requests.

Decrees, demands, orders, pronouncements, announcements.

Sure.

But never a request.

- Sure you did.

You asked the people out there at home to send in songs about or based on the movie and, well, we got one.

Here, let me open it.

- Oh, okay.

I'll play.

Wow, that postal service certainly is fast.

- I'll say.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we do this?

I'm going to sing and beat the tambourine.

Mittens can play the jug.

And you can play the kazoo if you want.

- I'll pass.

Just wait till the rhythm gets you.

Hold on mama.

I'm gonna wail, minor chord Z, fellas in the neighborhood of C. - Do you even, do you even know what you're talking about?

- I don't.

Okay, Mittens.

I'm going to start on the second verse just before the chorus.

Six, oh, six, oh, eight, four, two.

♪ Well it was shot in black and white ♪ ♪ Only took them nine days ♪ But Francis didn't get it right ♪ ♪ He was in his early phase ♪ Oh no ♪ It was such a fright ♪ It's a real bad movie ♪ It would last night ♪ It was Dementia 13 Take it to the bridge, Mittens!

- Stop it, no no.

- Oh, you want to take the third verse here?

Have at it?

- No.

Let me see that tambourine for a minute.

- There you go.

- Thanks.

You clearly wrote that yourself.

All you did was take the lyrics to "American Girl" and change them up.

- No, I did not.

Someone mailed it.

Look, look, you can check out for yourself.

- Sapo.

You put your own return address on the envelope.

- You got me.

Boss, I just wanted to make a good record and go out on tour with you and Mittens.

I thought the three of us could hit, you know, the hippie circuit and play festivals.

- You're not a songwriter and you can't sing obviously.

- You should hear me play piano.

- Stop it.

Songwriting, like movie-making, should be left to the professionals.

The movie we're showing tonight is proof of what happens when people who don't know what they are trying to do, create something.

Stick with what you know, Sapo.

Like mopping.

- I have a song about my mop.

I could sing it.

- No, no, no, no.

Folks, I'm sorry you had to witness what you just witnessed.

Someday Sapo is going to be punished for his misdeeds.

Until that day comes, let's just try to get by.

Let's get back to "Dementia 13" here on Nightmare Theatre."

(metal pounding) - Are you gonna pound it all out on that one little piece of metal?

- I don't know.

- You know, sometimes I get the feeling you think I'm some sort of a Christmas tree decoration.

Hang me up and look at me on all the happy days and tie me up in a box and put me in a closet when it gets gloomy.

- [Richard] You knew what I was like.

- Well, yes.

I knew you were quiet.

But when we first I could sit next to you in that little apartment watching you working and thinking for hours.

It's this place.

You know it is.

- What do you want me to say?

- Nothing.

- Kane.

Believe me.

I am sorry.

- I don't care whether you're sorry or not.

Oh, Richard.

Richard, I know there are a lot of things running around in that beautiful head of yours.

I know that one of them is you love me.

- Of course, I love you.

But you must understand, ever since Kathleen died my mother's been running around with some sort of crazy guilt.

I mean, every one of us trying to put it on one of our heads.

Billy was only 13 two months after it happened.

He used to wake up in the middle of the night and come screaming into my room because he had nightmares about it.

I mean, my own father died with his wife refusing to see him and I feel it's been passed on to me.

I've got to wait and I've got to watch until I can make some sense out of all this.

That leaves it up to you to decide whether you want to sit and wait with me.

(ominous orchestral music) (gun firing) (ominous orchestral music) (bushes rustling) (clattering) (water splashing) (frog croaking) (brush rustling) (bird screeching) (ominous orchestral music) (ax thudding) - Hi, I'm Ricky Whittle.

I play Shadow Moon on "American Gods."

You are watching "Nightmare Theatre."

(upbeat rock music) - Welcome back.

- It looks like some guy is running around now chopping heads off.

Say, why do you suppose axes are so popular?

I often hear about ax murderers.

- The ax has always been popular from Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" werein Raskolnikov used an ax to commit murder to Jack Torrance in "The Shining", stalking his family with an ax, even to Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho".

Literature is full of axes.

- That's really interesting, boss.

- Well, of course the story of axes in the real world is interesting as well.

There was Lizzie Borden.

- The milk lady.

- She's in no relation to the good people who make Borden's dairy products.

Lizzie Borden killed her mom and dad with an ax, allegedly.

There's also the Ax Man of New Orleans.

And what some call The Man from the Train.

- Ah, Boxcar Willie.

I knew something was up with that guy, but I just couldn't figure him for an ax murderer.

- You watch it.

Nothing was ever proven about Boxcar Willie, in court at least.

No, the Man from the Train was a serial killer who rode the rails about a century ago, killing people with axes, but let's not even consider murderers.

Axes have always been popular in literature.

There was Paul Bunyan.

Gimli from the Lord of the rings, the Once-ler from Dr. Seuss.

And I could go on and on.

- So, you're saying that axes are very popular, you know, for self-defense, for chopping down trees, and as a tool for getting rid of problems.

- (sighing) I think I see where you're going with this, Sapo.

I can tell you right now, we are not going to market our own brand of axes.

- We're not going to be responsible for what folks do with them.

Folks have a right to axes.

It's in the constitution, probably.

We'll just make the axes.

We can't control what people do with them.

Axes don't kill people, people kill people.

And if they do it with our axes, well, and you know, that's not our fault.

- Sapo, we're not doing it.

It's a bad idea.

And more than that, it's just morally and ethically wrong.

- But I already have a prototype right here?

- Put that thing down.

- Relax, I know what I'm doing.

I took a course in ax safety, sponsored by the Ax Safety Society.

The ASS works very hard to- - Stop, stop, stop.

We're not doing it.

And we're not supporting that evil organization.

Get rid of that thing now, or at least put it to good use.

Why don't you and Mittens go out and chop us up some corn for dinner.

- You know, I always have a can of corn handy.

If you want some corn, you know, I bet I could use this ax here to open this can.

- No, you're not going to do that.

I want fresh corn.

- You know what?

Fine, Mittens, let's go.

- And if you've run into that guy who walks behind the rows, tell him I need my casserole dish back.

He's had it since Frank Sutton's birthday party.

- You know what, fine.

Let's just go, Mittens.

- Don't go away mad, just go away.

- We'll go chop some corn.

- (sighing) Folks, trust me.

He'll get over it.

While those two are out there chopping corn, why don't we return to the corn of another kind and rejoin "Dementia 13" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

- What do you think of the pond down there?

- I don't understand, sir.

- Of course, not.

How long would it take you to drain it?

- Well, I don't know, sir.

I've never drained it before and I don't know that I'd drain it properly.

- There are three dear channels doors on the pond.

Open them.

If I was you, I'd save that up for the visit to my office.

You're losing weight, skin's pale.

(wheel squeaking) (eerie orchestral music) - She always loved the tiara.

I wanted to put it in her coffin, but they wouldn't let me.

I'll bring it to her playhouse and put it with her other things.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (suspenseful orchestral music) The tiara.

You want the tiara.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (screaming) (screaming) (grunting) (screaming) (screaming) (screaming) (screaming) (gasping) - Richard!

Richard, please come!

Somebody please come!

Lillian, call the doctor.

- Will it be Doctor Caleb?

- Anybody, and get Richard here.

(dramatic orchestral music) Richard!

Hurry.

- She's still breathing.

- Let's get her into the house.

- You know, I tell you Mittens, the Baron is just flat out short-sighted.

We could corner the ax market or at least maybe the hatchet market.

We could maybe even, you know those little fancy knives that you get in the Boy Scouts with the toothpicks and the bottle openers included, we'd be number one in knives and farm implements.

Oh you want to see the ax?

Sure.

We could be big, baby, bigger than US Steel, maybe even bigger than Happy Kyne and the Mirthmakers.

But you know what?

I don't think he wants to be successful.

I don't think he wants to at all.

And you know, I'll tell you something else.

He claims he hates these movies, but I don't think that's true.

I think he really likes them.

Oh, here's a penny, let me get it.

(ax thudding) (dog barking) (ominous orchestral music) - Why don't you go to bed, Billy?

- I will in a minute.

- You're gonna get all depressed sitting here by yourself.

- Did you ever see where my room is?

You have to go down a corridor where nobody's lived for the past 50 years, and up a flight of stairs where my great grand uncle or somebody tripped and broke his neck, and then past the spot where my grandfather died of heart attack.

I'd rather be depressed here than there.

- Poor, Billy.

No wonder you used to get all those nightmares.

- Used to?

I still get them.

- What are they like?

Are they terrible?

- I don't know.

They're more strange than terrible.

(eerie orchestral music) I'm always a little boy in my, in my room.

It's late.

I hear somebody outside making a, kind of a scraping sound.

I get out of bed, look out of the window and there's a man climbing up the wall coming closer toward my window.

I yell for my mother and she comes into the room just as the man is coming in through the window.

I hold onto her legs, crying.

I'm so small I only come up to her waist.

The man is in the shadows.

You can almost recognize him, but not really.

He says that he's insane and that someone else in the room is insane also and that he's going to nod his head.

And when he does, that other insane person will nod their head.

He nods and I look up at my mother and she's nodding her head.

And then she starts laughing at me.

And she picks me up in her arms and runs outside and throws me into the pond.

- Oh, Billy, we've all got to get out of here.

Come on.

Go to bed.

I'll walk you past all those spooky corridors.

And we can get there before Richard throws us both in the pond.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

You just made me realize the man in my dream who climbs up my wall is Richard.

I'm sorry.

I just never thought of it before.

It's just a dream.

(knocking on door) (dramatic orchestral music) - What is it, Arthur?

- Is Dr. Caleb in?

- He's at breakfast.

Is it important?

- Yes.

- All right then.

Come on in.

Excuse me, but Arthur's here.

He says he has something important to tell you.

- Excuse me.

Arthur.

- I drained the pond like you told me to.

And there's something there I think you'd want to see.

- Show me.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Richard.

- A shrine, beautifully done.

- I never saw that before.

- [Caleb] Quite skillfully carved, I must say.

- I work in iron, remember?

- Six years ago you worked in stone.

- I never did that.

Every one of us worked in stone.

My father loved teaching us.

Someone else did that.

I didn't.

- No one else pursued this inherited talent, nobody.

- Leave him alone.

He told you before he's never seen it and he meant it.

Come on, Richard.

Let's go.

- No.

He's trying to play a game with me, don't you see?

- Your mother lies in bed in a state of shock caused by something or somebody.

I don't call that a game, Richard.

- Has the all-seeing doctor noticed that a certain money hungry conniving little woman has, uh, left our midst, that my mother in her struggle, clung on desperately to a very valuable diamond tiara?

- Well, I think that shrine has been in that pond for five or six years.

I don't think that five or six years ago Louise had even heard of Castle Haloran.

Do you?

- What do you want out of this, doctor?

- Oh, I don't know, just a solution to the nightmare that has disturbed this family for six years.

After all, I am the family doctor, you know?

I didn't mean to annoy your brother because I think he's right.

I think Louise did try to steal your mother's tiara and I think she'll come back.

I think she's hiding somewhere in town.

Will you help me look for her?

- Sure, if you want me to.

- I do because your brother's upset and the young girl too.

That leaves the two of us.

What do you think?

- Sure, I guess you're right.

- We look for her tonight.

- Hello and welcome back.

I'm not sure where the two fools are right now.

I'm hoping they'll show back up here and oh, what, here's one of them now.

What do you got in your hand?

What?

You say you accidentally chopped off Sapo's head.

Are you sure it was an accident?

Listen, boy, it's just us talking right now and we should get our story straight before the cops show up.

No, really?

Well, did you at least bring back the corn?

No.

(sighing) Well, do you know where Sapo put that can of corn he was talking about earlier?

Oh no.

Okay, all right.

Calm down.

We'll find them and fix him.

(sighing) Give me a wrench, a stapler, maybe some glue and we'll get his head back on his shoulders for once.

No, no relax.

No one is going to call the cops.

We'll save him.

And if we can't, we'll come up with a good story that clears both of us.

Folks, let's get back to the movie as Nurse Scratchit and I here, try to wrangle the headless doofus and fix him.

Come on.

Let's go, go, go, go.

We'll get him.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (rat squeaking) (Kane gasping) - No!

- I told you not to follow me.

Look at you.

You're frightened to death.

Now, settle down.

- What are you doing here?

- This is the studio where my father worked, kept his stone cutting tools here.

I was trying to find out who made that monument.

- Oh, Richard.

Richard, I'm sorry.

I'll never doubt you again.

I promise.

We can get married now.

Your mother's still sick, so she won't be able to stop us.

No one will be able to stop us.

(ominous orchestral music) (all laughing) - Well, this is the devil's own climate.

- Good for the grass and the country doctors.

- But if I had to survive by treating the common cold, I might as well retire.

Two large Irish for Master Haloran.

- Oh, no.

No, I don't care for any.

- Oh, just to take the chill from your bones?

Drink's the only road to survival in this climate.

Despite your useless American education, you're still Irish, you know?

Drink up.

Do you know his sister-in-law, John's wife, an American girl, fair hair, fair complexion?

You'd know her.

- No, I have never seen her.

- I seen her ride to Carras, doc, about two or three days ago.

- [Caleb] Thanks.

- Thank you.

- Over here, Billy, near to the heat.

Drink up.

What do you think, Billy?

Where did she go?

- I don't know.

Come on.

Let's go.

- Oh, Bill.

You wouldn't begrudge an aging man his moment's rest, would you?

You know, I think you know the answer to all the problems your family's been having.

Because Billy, you saw your little sister drown all those years ago.

- No, I didn't.

- Oh, yes, you did.

You know how I know you did?

- No.

- [Caleb] Because you told me.

- I did not.

- Oh, Bill.

Come on.

Drink up.

Do you remember all those years ago when you couldn't sleep?

Do you remember who it was gave you the little pill that made you sleep?

Remember the dreams, faces in the shadows, a man climbing up your wall?

I haven't forgotten.

Who was that man?

- No, I don't know.

- Who was it that tried to throw you in the pond?

Richard.

Tell me what happened.

What happened to Louise?

♪ Fishy, fishy in the brook (eerie orchestral music) ♪ Daddy caught you on a hook ♪ Fishy, fishy in the brook ♪ Daddy caught you on a hook - Okay.

Odds are, he'll be running through here any minute now.

When he does you grab him and we'll reattach his head, but first we got to pick some of this corn out here.

It really looks tasty.

Of course it's going to work.

You think it's the first time he's lost his head and I had to put it back on.

I mean, I've known him a long time.

Wait, I think I hear him coming.

Yes, he's coming.

Get him, get him, get him, grab him, grab, grab him.

- There, perfect.

- Ooh sweet lordy mama.

What happened?

Last thing I remember I was out here in this corn field.

- And you were playing with an ax and chopped your own head off.

See what I mean about axes now?

They're dangerous and we shouldn't have anything to do with them.

- I am convinced.

Once again you are right, but how did I manage the chop my own head off?

The last thing I remember I handed the ax to Mittens.

- And he gave it back to you and you cut your own head off and you forgot to pick the corn.

Folks, let's get to the lukewarm conclusion of "Dementia 13" here on "Nightmare Theatre."

Let's go back to the lab.

- [El Sapo] My head doesn't feel right, boss.

I don't feel good, man.

(light orchestral music) - [Kane] Has anyone here seen Richard?

- No, I haven't seen him.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Excuse me.

- Yes.

- You know, the one thing in the world that really chills my bones to the marrow is when a pretty girl in a wedding dress looks at me and finds me repulsive.

- Oh, don't be silly, doctor.

- Oh, I'm often silly, one of my major vices.

Another one is a desire on my part to help others, however handsome that may sound.

- Then you could help me by telling me where Richard is.

- I'm not sure where Richard is or indeed, uh, what he is.

- Oh, and you wonder why young girls in wedding dresses give you dirty looks.

- No, no, no.

I'm quite serious.

I've known this family for a very long time.

I've been aware of the atmosphere of depression and the slightly demented quality that hangs over it.

But these are subtle matters so I never spoke.

I will tell you, young lady, that I know that Louise did not leave, but was taken away from Castle Haloran.

Perhaps even her husband, John, didn't actually go on that business trip.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Because you don't know what I'm talking about do you think I'm some kind of villain?

Can you imagine what it's like to try to help others and to be mistrusted every time?

My lip twists.

This doesn't mean that every word I say is sinister.

- I don't know what you're trying to say.

- What I'm trying to say to you, that I discovered things in this house that make me uneasy and that you are probably in a position of some danger.

- From Richard?

- Primarily from Richard, but I'm not sure.

It could be anyone.

- Well, maybe you have forgotten but I certainly haven't.

I'm his wife now.

- And his sister, and his sister-in-law, and his mother, and perhaps his eldest brother.

- I swear to you, Dr. Caleb, you are very sick man.

- Kane, what's the matter, honey?

- Where have you been?

- I was just outside having a smoke.

- Well, let's get out here.

I don't want anyone to see me crying.

(light violin music) - Come out.

Come out wherever you are.

These little nursery rhymes are notoriously expressive.

- Come on.

I don't care what anyone says about you.

- [Richard] Who said anything about me?

- No one.

Everyone, I don't care.

- Little fishy in the brook.

(ominous orchestral music) Papa's hanged you on a hook.

Papa's caught you on the hook.

(intense orchestral music) (distant screaming) - What is it?

(all murmuring) - Don't touch her!

(screaming) (suspenseful orchestral music) (screaming) (gun firing) (dramatic orchestral music) (screaming) (water splashing) Forgive me, Kathleen.

- Your children played with stone the way other children played with building bricks.

you all forgot what a talented little boy Billy was.

- What about Kathleen?

- He made a wax doll, something he could protect to relieve his guilt.

(ax thudding) (ominous orchestral music) - And welcome back.

So that was "Dementia 13", by far the worst movie we've ever shown.

And remember folks, we showed "Track of the Moon Beast."

- It was really bad, boss.

I admit that.

- Did you learn something tonight?

- I learned not to play with an ax.

I'll tell you that, but I'm still not sure how I managed to cut my own head off.

- The world is a strange place, Sapo.

I'm not sure how the man who made this movie also made "The Godfather."

I'm not sure how this movie made its way into one of the greatest classic rock songs of all time.

There are many mysteries left in the world, like for example, what do we have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss.

(ominous music) - Say, Jennifer, look at these.

- Some joker.

Snowshoes from some mail order novelty house.

(animal roaring) - There's something very strange and very dangerous out there.

And if I thought it would stay up there, fine.

- Can you hear yourself describing what you saw, what you thought you saw?

Tony, we need this carnival.

It's what keeps the tourists coming here all year round.

- What do you think it was?

- I don't know.

A mutant of some kind, something leftover from the last ice age.

I don't know.

whatever it is, it's still out there.

(ominous orchestral music) (man grunting) (animal roaring) - Wow.

Not even Tom Petty could find a line in that movie.

That one is awful.

Just awful, but join us anyway, folks.

We'll manage to have a good time somehow.

Maybe I'll look at El Sapo and say ♪ Don't come around here no more ♪ And he'll have to ♪ Live like a refugee for the rest of his life.

- I don't get it, boss.

- Mittens does, and that's good enough for me.

So until next time, may all your dreams be nightmare.

(upbeat rock music) (thunder crashing)