(thunder cracking) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture ♪ some humans ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On Nightmare Theatre - Let me try to explain it to you one more time, see they were a crack commando unit during the Vietnam war, and they got framed for a crime they didn't commit.

I think someone tore the tag off a mattress or something.

So they hid in the largest city on the west coast and became soldiers of fortune.

Every week a different random person would find them in that huge city of 10 million people and hire them to do a job that no one else could handle.

Of course, the US government, the most powerful force on earth, could never find them, and to be honest, they had one script and they just changed the title every week.

But it was still a great show, I remember one time, oh, oh wait, oh shoot, we're on.

Remind me to tell you about "Murdoch and the Trash Bags" later.

Hello again, and welcome to Nightmare Theatre where I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and here with me is Mittens the werewolf, and we are once again waiting for El Sapo to show up with tonight's movie.

He should be coming in any minute now if the sudden foul odor is to be believed.

- Hey boss, hey Mittens!

Say guys, (sniffing) what smells so good up in here?

- Definitely not you.

Where have you been all day?

- Well see, I was down at the furniture factory, I had to get me a nice new cushion for my high chair.

- Your high, never mind, I don't wanna know.

Let me ask you the eternal question, do you have a movie?

- I do not, but I found this while I was sampling some wood glue and turpentine fumes.

I'm not sure what's on it but it's liable to be great I bet.

Can you show up (mumbles) and get a movie?

There's a whole pile of 'em down in the cellar.

- Well, there he goes folks, let's see what he gave us.

A trailer from something called "Radar Men From the Moon"?

Oh, here we go again, another serial.

I guess we might as well just jump right in, try to enjoy it folks.

I dare you.

- [Narrator] Meet Commando Cody, Sky Marshal of the Universe.

He's the newest green sensation, everybody's cheering in Republic's serial thriller "Radar Men from the Moon".

(dramatic music) When the moon monsters, under the direction of Retik, ruthless dictator of the moon, schemed to invade the Earth.

- And have your ray-guns set up ready to blast them.

This time you must not fail.

- Yes your excellency.

- [Narrator] The nations of the world appeal to Commando Cody, Sky Marshal of the Universe.

(dramatic music) - Cody and his assistants must be destroyed.

- Okay, we'll go back to town and get 'em.

(dramatic music) (bottle smashing) (machine exploding) (spacecraft engines roaring) (dramatic music) - [Narrator] You'll wanna be the first to see an actual invasion from the moon.

In Republic's "Radar Men from the Moon" (dramatic music) - Welcome back, I hope at least one of you out there enjoyed that preview of "Radar Men from the Moon".

But I mean, what kind of person would enjoy that?

You know what this means, right?

It means we're gonna be most likely cursed with this for the next several weeks of that horrible, horrible serial.

We are in for one long stupid ride.

Speaking of stupid, I wonder where El Sapo is.

- Hey boss, hey mittens, say fellas, when I was down there in the cellar looking for a film, I saw the preview for that Radar Men thing, it looked packed with excitement and great stars.

Man, that looks just great, doesn't it?

- No, not at all.

- But I bet it would be cool to have a rocket pack like that, I could fly all around the town, visit other countries on the cheap, I could run back and forth to the store when you run out of foot powder.

I could use it all the time, boss.

Commando Sapo, the Flying Sapo, no, Soaring Sapo!

Those names all sounds great!

I have a jacket, I could get me a helmet, I wonder if I could build a rocket pack and fly around, I wonder.

- I doubt it, the FAA or the navy would surely shoot you down, but instead of focusing on rocket packs so you could imitate bad actors in bad serials, how about just doing your job?

Any chance you managed to find us a film while you were down there?

- Oh boy, I sure did.

I think I found what the smart folks call a taut political thriller.

Like that “Manchurian Man ” or “All the Presidents Candidates ”!

I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised, and maybe, just maybe a little bit impressed.

Check it out.

- Oh no, I have a vague recollection of this film.

"The Werewolf of Washington."

It's hazy but it's coming back.

If I'm not mistaken this film was featured in a World Health Organization documentary on dangerous films.

It's technically a felony to expose people to this film without their express written consent.

- Oh, come on, it can't possibly be that bad.

- Oh, it is.

It starts Dean Stockwell who looks like he's doing the role at gun point.

It also stars the normally hilarious and likable Clifton James, who was great as the southern sheriff in the James Bond movies, "Live and Let Die" and "The Man with the Golden Gun."

James is perhaps best remembered as the floor walker in "Cool Hand Luke", but in this film he woodenly plays the attorney general.

- Well let me ask you this, what is this movie about, boss?

- Well, that's a pretty good question.

It's supposed to be a satire based on the events of Watergate, somehow it's about a guy in government who gets bitten by a werewolf.

- Like that time that Mittens bit the man from the gas company?

- Yeah, sort of, whatever.

As I was saying, it's about a guy in government who gets bitten by a werewolf and turns in to a monster or something.

- A man who goes to Washington and becomes a monster, that's hard to believe.

Do you remember who directed this film?

- I can tell you with absolute assurance it was directed by a guy named Milton Moses Ginsberg.

- (laughing) That's a name you just made up right there on the spot.

- I know it sounds like someone in the witness protection program might use, but its a a real name, for a real man.

He both wrote and directed this film.

He directed four other films no one has ever heard of, but thanks to you, we are stuck with this one.

- I'm confused by the title boss, do you suppose there has ever been a werewolf President?

I mean, the law of averages say there has got to have been one by now, right?

- Well, historians are unsure, and no one knows, however, rumor is rampant about the Grover Cleveland administration after those dead chickens kept appearing on the White House lawn.

- (spluttering) President Grover, that's a good one boss.

Who was his Vice President, Big Bird?

- Your knowledge of US Presidents is just as poor as your hygiene.

Look, it's getting late and we have to get started.

So like tearing off a band-aid, the best thing to do it just make it real quick.

So sit back, relax, as Nightmare Theatre presents one of the worst films ever made, "The Werewolf of Washington" here on Nightmare Theatre.

- President Grover, I gotta remember that one boss!

(TV static fizzing) (eerie music) - [Jack] That it could happen in America.

That it could happen now.

That it could ever happen to me.

(eerie music) Jack Whittier is my name, maybe you remember my byline.

I was the youngest member of the Washington Press corps.

It's fastest rising star.

One of the best and brightest, as we used to say.

Before so much blood passed under those pretty Potomac bridges.

(dramatic music) I was having an affair with the President's daughter and I wanted out.

Without hurting her feelings or, frankly, my career.

So I had my paper reassign me to our bureau in Budapest.

(dramatic music) Somehow the President heard I was banished for being too pro-administration, and he offered me a job which I couldn't refuse.

Which is where the terrible events which were to destroy my career, and my life, begin.

- [Giselle] It's silver, I found it in a little shop.

I didn't think there were such things left.

- What's it for?

- [Woman] You mean you don't know?

(birds chirping) - Honest to God, Giselle, I'll have you in Washington within six weeks, I'll get you a visa, I'll get you a job.

- I don't want a job.

A job with who, the FBI?

- [Jack] Stop it, Giselle, now will you come on?

(birds chirping) (car engine roaring) (car honking) (breaks screeching) (crickets chirping) - Hey Fella!

What do you think you're doing?

You trying get somebody killed?

You ran me right in to the tree!

What are you doing just standing here right in the middle of the road?

Will you say something?

What's the matter?

Can't you speak English?

(owl hooting) Giselle will you get back in the car?

I gotta make it to the airport.

(crickets chirping) (car engine faltering) I'm sorry, sir.

I just, I lost my temper, but my car won't start and I have to catch a plane, it's very important.

Do you know, is there a gas station around or someone that can help me?

(crickets chirping) Hey.

It won't start.

Hey, mister!

I really need help!

How do you say help?

(speaking in foreign language) (shouting in foreign language) Come on.

(shouting I foreign language) Now please, the only reason I'm asking you is because my car crashed because of him, now could you just give me a little help, please?

(speaking in foreign language) I'm dying to hear this one.

She say that if we won't leave, they'll leave.

They'll leave?

We can't leave, damnit!

I told you my car was stuck.

(shouting in foreign language) over there by the tree.

(both shouting in foreign language) How do you say "stuck"?

Listen, and it's because of him, it's all his fault, he ran me off the road.

(speaking in foreign language) What are you afraid of?

You don't have to go anywhere.

I've been (speaker drowned out by background noise).

What were you looking at?

Will you quit looking at Giselle?

Hey you!

(car engine roaring) That's right, just look!

(speaker drowned out by background noise) (mumbling) Hey!

What's the matter with you?

(wolves howling) - There, there.

- Over there?

- Yes, over there.

- Oh fine, is it far?

- Yes, yes, it is far.

- How far?

- Not too much.

- Oh good, I can walk?

- No, not tonight.

Come in.

- Do you know what time, the departure schedule, the train?

- The moon, moon, come in.

Not tonight, come in.

- Thank you, I'm in a hurry.

- Come in, come in.

- What are you afraid of?

(door closing) (dramatic music) Giselle!

Giselle!

(wolf howling) (crickets chirping) Giselle!

(wolf howling) (dramatic music) (wolf growling) (wolf yelping) (dramatic music) - And so it must have been a wolf.

We could find no corpse.

- Oh, come on.

I killed a man and I killed him with this thing.

- But you said it was an accident, my boy.

- It was an accident but are you just gonna take my word for it, aren't you gonna detain me?

- The inspector has offered us his car and a driver.

- What's going on here?

This country is crawling with bureaucrats, where are they?

Why aren't they here questioning us?

- [Giselle] Jack, they are willing to let go us, let's go.

- What are you trying to cover up?

Is there White House behind this?

- [Officer] That what house?

- The White House.

- [Giselle] Take it easy, you don't even know what are you saying.

(speaking in foreign language) - What'd she say?

- [Giselle] She says you are feverish because of the wound.

- I'm afraid I must ask you to leave the area at once.

I tell you again, no one has been reported missing, no corpse has been found.

If you continue to make a nuisance of yourself I shall have you locked up.

- How come you speak English, huh?

(car engine roaring) - That was your son that I killed wasn't it?

(speaking in foreign language) - Yes, that was her son.

- And you don't even care that I killed him.

(speaking in foreign language) - She says you didn't kill him, you released him.

He needed to die, he longed to rest.

- Because of the Communists?

Secret Police?

(speaking in foreign language) - Because of the sign of the pentagram.

- Ah, the Pentagon is behind all of this.

- The pentagram; the mark of the beast.

This.

- Oh that's just a bunch of insanity.

(speaking in foreign language) - Whoever is bitten by a werewolf and lives becomes a werewolf himself.

- Ah, bol.

Find out who she's working for.

(speaking in foreign language) - The wolf bit you, didn't he?

- Yes, damn it.

(muttering in foreign language) Wear this charm over your heart always, and remember, a werewolf can only be killed with a silver bullet, or a stick with a silver handle.

(speaking in foreign language) Heaven help you my son.

(dramatic music) - Hello, and welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

I'd ask if you were enjoying the film but that would be like rubbing salt in to an open wound.

No one can enjoy this film.

- Boss, I gotta admit you were right, there is some shoddy camera work in this film.

- Shoddy isn't the word, your work is shoddy, the camera here is deplorable.

It's like someone set the camera on a chair, turned it on, and left for the day.

Man, I wish I could leave for the day.

- And did you happen to notice how bad the lighting is in some of these scenes?

- I did, I'm actually a trained noticer, and a proud graduate of the Juilliard School of Noticing, but even a blind man could see the lighting in this film because there isn't any.

- Why do you suppose that is?

Was it because this movie was filmed during the energy crisis?

- No, my first guess is the camera man and lighting crew read the script and refused to participate.

I bet in the credits under lighting it says "Not Applicable".

Great film you picked for us there Sapo.

- Well, you know what then Dr. Wisenheimer, you go right ahead and watch this yourself, I'm gonna take a vacation.

A pause for the cause, as the hep cats say.

I'm gonna sit here a read the paper, and maybe have a snack, while you and Mittens here handle the rest of this.

- Okay, fine.

Good riddance.

I already did the Jumble if that's what you're after, and the Cathy strip is a repeat, something about her not being able to find a bathing suit.

- Then you know what?

I'll read the local news, there's always something good or interesting in the local news.

We live in an exciting time.

Let's see.

A local man embarrassed himself recently at Speedy's Carwash when he got his pants caught in the.

They said they were gonna bury that story!

Next time I won't wear pants all.

- Are you really gonna sit there and read that paper while we have work to do?

- Yes I am.

Hey wait, say, wait a minute, here's something.

Due to the recent scandal and subsequent resignation, there is an opening for the captain of the neighborhood watch on Lugosi lane.

Candidates should file appropriate paperwork by mail through the clerks office.

- Let me see that!

This is it.

This is what I've been waiting for, this is how I cement my power!

- Are you thinking of running, boss?

- Yes, yes I am.

I am just the guy to rule these rubes in this suburban hell hole.

I'll consolidate a power base, I'll build coalitions, and at the last minute I'll turn on them to get what I want!

And just imagine, the graft and kick backs, while I break out the Machiavelli and get to work on my campaign why don't you folks get back to "The Werewolf of Washington" here on Nightmare Theatre.

Brew some coffee and get some cigars, Sapo, we have work to do!

- Will do, boss, will do.

(hinge creaking) (upbeat music) (toilet flushing) (door knocking) - [Woman] Jack.

[Woman] The President wants to see you, he's in my bedroom.

(laughing) - [Mrs. Captree] Why these people are simply (mumbles) they are, they just want something for nothing, - Excuse me.

- In my family we worked for everything we had.

And did you know that we had a deed from the King of England for our property in Maryland?

And now, Lon, these jerks just wanna come and they wanna give it to the communists, just give it!

Isn't that right Maurice?

I mean you agree with me, don't you honey?

I don't know where that man came from, (door knocking) you know Maryland is my home state.

- Come in, come in.

(door closing) - Good to see you, Jack.

- Mr President.

- You're looking fine, just fine.

Settle it any way you want, but just make sure it doesn't fall back on my lap or the attorney general's.

How was your flight, jack?

- I mean I think Washington is gonna be quite a come down in many ways.

I'm gonna have to sell my stock.

- Even though you're my press aide, your job will deal mainly with the justice department.

The attorney general is just too honest for his own good.

Need to help restore his image with the press.

It'll also a little deal with the Captree nomination.

Especially the Captree nomination.

Have you met Mrs. Captree?

- No, sir.

- Ah, she's gonna be a problem.

How do you tell a man to dump his wife for the good of his country?

Well, anyway.

I want to restore some balance in the court, I mean, if there's a Southerner we could give them a sense of belonging down there.

Damn it, do you know what I mean Jack?

- I think I do, sir, yes.

- Well that's all the speech I have for now, but we'll talk some more later.

Have you seen Marion yet?

I don't understand you young people.

She, uh, she's seeing a nice young man nowadays, you should get to know him.

He's a psychiatrist, a Naval psychiatrist.

I think you'd like him.

- And Senator Bond does not represent the people of Marland.

Hello there Mr. President!

You know I was just telling the attorney general here, that Senator Bond, oh, he makes me so sick, I just can't stand it.

- Margaret!

- Mrs. Captree, I'm sure your husband doesn't even feel that strongly about it.

- Thank you, Mr. President.

Jack, you see the kind of problems we have here.

Judge, I want you to meet Jack Whittier, the new assistant press secretary.

- How do you do?

- And Mrs. Captree.

- Ooh, is he the Jewish young man that you were hired to muzzle me?

(laughing) - Uh, no, I'm afraid they couldn't find him.

- Oh well, you look smart.

- [President] I'm going to excuse myself now.

- You sleep tight now, Mr. President.

- Ah, Marion.

- Hello, Jack.

- My, that Marion's such a lovely girl.

Did the Washington Times really send you to Siberia for schucking the truth to 'em Mr. Whittier?

- It was Hungary.

- What?

- Hungary.

- Come on Margie, I think it was time we left for home too.

- Oh, you know Eliot honey, well why don't you run along like you always do.

I'm sure this nice young man'll see me home, won't you honey?

- Absolutely.

(dramatic music) I think your father is a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ.

- I'm engaged to by married Jack.

- Already?

To that psychiatrist guy?

(dramatic music) - Mrs. Captree, any time you're ready.

- Almost ready (slurring) one more for the road.

You know, any time you have people marching in the streets you're just catering to the revolution.

You know what my husband says?

Well my husband said many times that he actually prefers some of the Russian communists against the liberal columnists in this country.

What's the matter with my hand?

- Oh nothing.

- My goodness, my Jack, you're just a terrible wolf, aren't cha (laughing)?

(eerie dramatic music) - [Commander Salmon] Marion and I are leaving, I thought I'd come over and say good evening to you.

- Hi.

- Commander Salmon.

Why don't you come in and talk to me some time, Jack.

We'll have a talk.

- All right, sure.

(piano music) - Now, now where were we?

Where were we?

(dramatic music) (woman drunken humming) (woman screaming) - Hello and welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

My, this movie's creeping along at a snail's pace, isn't it?

You'd think this film would be labeled as a sedative, something that's been clinically proven to put people to sleep.

But we're not sleepy around here, we're full of political energy!

- We are?

Oh, I mean yes, yes we are!

If we were sitting down we would be on the absolute very edge of our seats, right boss?

- You bet.

We've caught a case of election fever.

I'm about to announce my candidacy.

I'm gonna run for the captain of the neighborhood watch.

- Whoa, whoa, wait.

You were serious about that?

- Of course I was.

I was born to get in to politics.

I'm a natural leader and well suited for the dignity of public office.

- I thought you were kidding boss, like that time you told me you were gonna learn how to square dance.

I didn't know you were actually gonna file.

Are you sure that's a good idea boss?

- Hmm, look El Sapo, is the fact that I plan to run a problem for you?

- No, no, not at all.

I have no problem whatsoever.

It might be a problem around here though.

Mittens filed this morning and he asked me to be his campaign manager.

- Judas!

The truth has finally come out, you two are plotting and conspiring against me!

- Relax, relax.

I told him no, I don't wanna get in to politics.

I did tell him I would serve as his interpreter if need be.

- Is that true, Mittens?

Were you planning to run against me?

Well no problem, I'm sure they'll let you take back your application.

We'll give them call once the movie starts back up.

Well, what do you mean "no"?

- I think he means "no" he is not gonna take back the application.

- I know what the word "no" means.

I was asking him what he means by, you know what?

Never mind.

Come on Mittens, you can take back the application.

We both know I'm more qualified for the position.

What do you mean?

It's always been your dream to serve on a neighborhood watch?

What kind of dream is that?

- Hey boss, last night I had a dream about -- - This is not a time for the El Sapo.

Come on Mittens, let me run!

I know I can win!

So you're saying the voters should decide.

Okay buster, if that's how you want it.

(laughing) No way, you're challenging me to a debate?

Oh, that is rich.

Deal.

Set it up, Sapo!

And just remember buddy boy, you wanted this.

I gave you a reasonable and honorable way out.

Folks, while I prepare to crush Mittens in this debate, why don't you get back to the movie.

- I watched the damned thing myself, they didn't even have a station break, and this prejudiced, hostile critic is the commentator they put on right after the President's address about Captree.

Well I have the network's word they're gonna bury this guy some place.

- [Jack] What do you mean?

- Give 'im the ax, drop him.

- [Jack] You're kidding?

- No!

The President is fed up with his guy's facial expressions and gestures, we've got some friends there.

It's the other networks I'm worried about.

Here, take a look at the speech the Vice President's gonna read tomorrow night.

(woman screaming) (hand slamming) We are going to war against the networks Jack, we're going to win back the minds and hearts of the American people.

And we have got to have Captree on that court to win the fight or we're in trouble.

Hell, you understand.

Hey look there Jack, there's a line in there they're having trouble with, something about the views of a small group.

Does small, how does "small" strike you?

That's a little soft.

What'd you call your compatriots at the press if you wanted to be a little more flashy.

- Uh, well let's see.

Well, at their worst a coterie of impudent snobs, (laughing) or, no I mean really, I just.

- That's good.

No that's great, we'll use it.

- [Jack] You're kidding?

- No.

That's just what we want.

Look, the man told me to give you a draft of this speech and listen to your suggestions on it.

Now I know why.

I want you to spice it up a bit, huh?

- Well, I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't use that line that I just suggested.

- [Man] Why not?

That is exactly what we want.

(phone ringing) Not now.

Yeah.

My god.

What's this country coming to?

Mrs. Captree was just found dead.

Guts ripped open.

(woman screaming) (dramatic music) - How have you been?

I guess I asked that last night.

- Yeah, I guess you did.

Ah gee, I haven't been in the White House in a long time.

- Well, not everyone gets to see all of the White House Jack.

- I'm supposed to meet with your father.

- It's really awful about Mrs. Captree, isn't it?

And those shoes they found, that's weird.

- Shoes?

Uh, Giselle, uh, Marion.

The President's waiting for me, I'd better not keep him.

- Hasn't Judge Captree asked that his nomination be withdrawn because of this horrible tragedy?

- I've asked him not to make that request.

Frankly, I don't want his name withdrawn.

The current permissive trends continue with this country, I'm worried about national anarchy.

Angela, you and I, we don't see eye-to-eye about most things.

I've never asked for your support and I've never received it.

(dramatic music) But if your paper could change it's position, it would swing the nomination for him.

- I'll think about it Mr. President.

- Good.

Well I'm sorry to have kept you here so late.

Oh, and by the way, I've asked the FCC to act as quickly as possible on that application.

No matter what position you take.

After all I do owe you a favor.

If you hadn't banished Jack here to Budapest, well I wouldn't have a new assistant press secretary.

Ah, g'evening darling.

- Now Mr. President, we didn't banish Jack.

I begged him to stay here, didn't I Jack, he requested the transfer for personal reasons.

- Jack?

- I'm sorry, I have to go Mr. President, I'll see you tomorrow.

- I'll leave with Jack.

- No!

Uh, I mean I'll stay here with you, Mr. President.

- I'll think it over Mr. President, I may surprise you.

- Well, thank you Andrea.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight Jack.

- Good night Marion.

- Jack, Jack!

Jack, I think I could be your friend Jack, if you could just accept that.

I'd like to be.

You don't look well Jack.

(door slamming) Jack.

- [Jack] Don't wait for me there Marion, wait for me in your room.

Go away now!

(wolf howling) - Jack!

(door handle rattling) Jack!

(car engine rumbling) - Hello?

Hello?

(wolf growling) (woman screaming) (dramatic music) - Hi, this is Butch Patrick, and were all watching Nightmare Theatre!

(upbeat music) (dramatic music) - Good evening ladies and gentlemen in the public sphere.

Welcome to Eyes on the Issues, my name is Dr. Lester W. Sinclair, podiatrist, optometrist, and certified heating and air conditioning repair man.

Remember when your feet hurt, or you can't see, or it's just too hot, call me, I'm the in the Yellow Pages.

Three times!

Tonight two gladiators in municipal combat square off in a free and public debate.

The mind hearkens back to the great old days of Lincoln vs. Douglas, Kennedy vs. Nixon, Biggie vs. TuPac.

All those debates will seem like grade school level squabbling after tonight.

Two powerful candidates are vying for the position of neighborhood watch captain.

Both are eminently qualified, both are willing to serve.

Neither of then has anything better to do.

On my right, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, to my left, Mittens T. Werewolf.

Both candidates will present a brief opening statement then will answer questions.

Baron Mondo Von Doren, since your bribe envelope was slightly larger I will begin with you.

- Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is the Baron Mondo Von Doren.

And I am uniquely qualified to serve as your neighborhood watch captain.

I have lived on this block and among you people for what seems like 10,000 years.

Now, of course I've never associated with any of you but I do care deeply about this community's people, I guess, anyway, I alone can lead you through the dark forests and in to the light, I alone will remove the biggest threat to you, to your homes, to your pies cooling on your window sills.

Only I can stop the one pawing through your garbage at night, only I can stop that one who curdles your milk and freezes your clocks.

I alone can remove El Sapo de Tempesto from your streets!

If elected I'll lock him away for good.

Your crops will be safe.

Your neighborhood will be safe.

Elect me.

- [El Sapo] I can't help but feel that was a little aimed at me there boss.

- Quiet you!

- Now a word from Mittens T. Werewolf.

(background buzzer ringing) - Uh, I'm being told that Mittens does not speak English?

Ah that's just great.

Therefore his interpreter, Admiral El Sapo de Tempesto will translate.

- He is not an Admiral!

- I must ask you to respect the rules of debate Baron, you're not called upon.

- That's telling 'im Doc!

- [Interviewer] Sir, please be silent.

Just interpret what this fool has to say.

How did I get involved in this?

- Let's see, the Baron is not qualified to serve as your captain, he does not even live on this street, he has a mansion in London and he only flies over for these movies.

One time he stole a jar of mayonnaise from a gas station.

- That's a bald faced lie!

- Sir I must ask you again not to interrupt!

Continue.

- That baron is not even a real Baron, the Baron says El Sapo is a threat, well let me tell you something, do you know who hired El Sapo?

Who brought him in to your neighborhood?

Who put him on your street?

The Baron did!

Sir, I accuse the Baron caused and manufactured this threat and now he wants credit for fixing it.

You know Doc, I can't help but think that both of these guys are taking cheap shots at me.

- Shut up!

- You can't tell me to shut up.

- I just did.

- Oh yeah, well how about this retort professor, you shut up!

And that goes double for you, fuzzy britches!

- Gentlemen please, please if we could just please return to the subject at hand.

- You shut up too Mr. Smartypants!

- That's it!

I'm out of here!

These two are the only two on the ballot so we are stuck with one of them.

I apologize to all of you, for the next two weeks I'll give 10% off anyone needing new glasses, orthopedic shoes, or a new air conditioning and heating system, remember, call --- - Beat it, beat it, beat it!

- [El Sapo] Allow me to show this guy to the door boss.

- Now let's get back to what ever movie we're showing this week, I have a campaign to resurrect!

(car breaks screeching) - Says it's a werewolf.

- A weird wolf?

- A werewolf.

Werewolf.

Can you imagine what happens if the press gets a hold of that?

- I think the kid did it himself, he looks like he could sever a jugular.

- Well, I don't think the kid did it.

- Now maybe he did do it.

His obvious hatred of female authority figures, the expression he keeps using, "mother", it fits the pattern of the crimes.

Prominent middle aged women found near national monuments.

- [Jack] I don't think they kid did it.

- You're the whizz kid, you keep if from the press.

- Hi, how are you?

Could you just tell me exactly what you saw.

- Look, we just saw this figure running away.

- A figure running away, was it a man or a woman, or was it light or dark?

Well was it light or dark?

- It was too dark to tell.

- The figure was dark, wasn't it?

This figure was dark.

- All right, it was dark!

It was very dark.

- Could everybody, could everybody just be cool.

- A black man.

- No, it was a werewolf you racist pig.

- Now just one minute boy!

- Don't point your finger at me!

- Now who are you talking to.

(men shouting) - Take it easy, take it easy.

- Look, we didn't do anything.

- Take it easy now, could you, could you kids tell me something more, detail about this running figure.

- Uh, it was hairy, it walked funny.

- The panthers!

- How do you know it's the panthers?

- I know it!

Book 'em!

- Book 'em?

Wait a minute, what for?

- Narcotics!

- Now wait a minute, listen, (whispering) just give me a minute, okay?

All right?

Uh, where you kids staying?

- At the Chevrolet Hilton.

- The what?

(laughing) - Big bus on the mall.

- I'm just tryna help you now, we're gonna assign an FBI agent to keep you under surveillance or else we're gonna have to lock you up.

- Oh wow, man!

- Thank you.

- Hmm.

Uh.

- You stay with 'em.

- Right.

- Well sir, don't you have any leads?

I mean this is the second murder of a national figure in two days.

- Are you sure you have enough man power to trap the killer?

I mean your boys seem to be busy with the networks.

- Let me tell you something, none of this would have happened if you people didn't support the very elements in our society that did this.

- Easy Ron, easy.

Don't let them get to you.

- How do you know that we support the elements when you don't have one single lead.

- We do have a suspect.

And an indictment is imminent.

- Sir I must insist that you stop talking to these people.

- Does imminent mean today, tomorrow, or indefinitely sir?

- Imminent means tomorrow morning, 9 o'clock.

- I'm sorry sir!

- And won't you bleeding hearts be surprised.

- He doesn't have one indictment, he's too busy investigating us.

- You see?

See?

Jack!

Jack!

(dramatic music) - Now this is another one of our washrooms.

I don't suppose you astronauts have anything this convenient on the LEM.

(laughing) I guess not.

I understand that the three of you are cooped up on one of these for, how long is that?

- It's about two weeks all together, sir.

- Two weeks, oh.

- Sir do you mind if I?

- No, no, go ahead.

Now this one doesn't seem to work.

- Oh yeah, let me give you a hand.

Well that's strange.

- That's all right sir, I'll use this one.

- No, no, no, that's not the point.

That's odd, there's no body in there.

I'll just reach down under and get the latch way.

- Sir I'll do it, just a second.

- No no, no no no you just go about your business.

(door banging) (dramatic music) - I'll get the janitor to look at it after.

(toilet flushing) You know it's odd, we can get one of you fellas up on the moon, but when it comes to fixing a little latch like that we're just all thumbs.

I'll go and get services, There's a Remington I wanna show you out here, the black foots gave it to me with a major chief a few years back there it is, down the hall.

Just hold it there Aldrin.

Don't wanna forget this.

Two weeks, my my.

Is that three or two weeks you were in there?

- [Astronaut] Two weeks.

(door closing) (dramatic music) (TV announcing sports game) - Can only give you a minute but I'd like you to stay and see the Senator.

- Mr. President, I'm not feeling very well.

Do you think you might wanna find someone to replace me?

- You mean right now?

Sure, go ahead, take a nap Jack.

- No I mean generally sir.

- Come on Jack, you're doing a fine job.

You're indispensable to me.

I need you now more than ever.

- It's about those shoes, sir.

- Shoes, what shoes?

Jack will you please stop scratching the palms of your hands.

It's just not manly.

- It's about the murders sir, I don't believe that the Panthers did them.

- Well there hasn't been a murder since we put a guard on that black boy.

- But the moon hasn't risen yet, put a guard on me.

- Damn that mob out there!

(TV static crackling) Now look Jack!

What is the meaning of this?

That speech you wrote last night was just great.

The (speaker drowned out) they don't know what hit them.

And it's all because of you, I wanna assign you full time to writing speeches for the Vice President.

- Mr. President, I think (TV blaring) I'm a, I think I'm a, I think I'm a werewolf.

- The Senator, Mr. President.

- The what?

- The Senator.

- Speak up damn it, I can't hear you!

- The Senator, Mr. President.

- Oh, send her in.

(TV blaring announcements) - Look Jack, we all get disturbed at some time or another over some damned little thing, but I won't hear of you leaving the team until you've had a chat with Commander Salmon, all right?

- Mr. President, hello.

- Oh, Joan, good to see you.

Come in, come in.

- We now present a paid political announcement from the Baron Mondo Von Doren.

Hello friends, and make no mistake, I'm proud to call you my friends.

I'd really like to apologize for my performance in the recent debate, but to be fair, it wasn't my fault.

I was goaded in to over reacting by El Sapo, he has that effect on me, I mean have you seen him?

But, but, let's put the past where it belongs focus on the future.

Friends, I can do a better job of representing you on the neighborhood watch than Mittens can.

For one, I can speak.

How can someone who can't speak represent you?

And I swear I hate to sink to this level but as voters you have the right to know, do you remember that story from London about that little old lady who got mutilated late that night?

All I'm gonna say is this, Mittens once spent the summer in England.

Is that the kind of representative you want?

I will make it safe for little old ladies to walk the street...uh, at least until 10 pm, then they're on their own.

I will lock up the dreadful El Sapo!

On election day vote for the man in the red suit who will speak for you.

Vote for me.

The Baron Mondo Von Doren.

Together, we're gonna keep El Sapo off those streets.

- [Announcer] This has been a paid political advertisement on behalf of Barons For a Sapo-free Neighborhood, Baron Mondo Von Doren, Chairman.

- I'm a murderer.

I killed someone last night.

Doctor Salmon, do you believe that a man can change in to an animal?

- An animal?

- Have you ever heard of the mark of the beast?

- What?

- There's a curse on me.

I was bitten by a wolf, only it wasn't a wolf.

- Only it wasn't a wolf.

- It was a werewolf.

And now when the full moon rises I change in to an animal with only one desire; the desire to kill.

- Oh, Jack, really.

Werewolves?

- Well what about my black-outs, and my scar, and my finger?

And what about those shoes?

- I think you're in trouble Jack but not the kind of trouble you think you're in.

- What about my seeing the pentagram?

- Well, sometimes we see our conflicts in terms of political symbols.

- What's politics got to do with this?

- Well, what does the Pentagon have to do with it?

- The pentagram!

- [Waiter] Gentlemen, - The five pointed star.

- [Waiter] Would you care to order dinner now?

- I think we would.

- Would you come to the bathroom with me?

Later sir, please.

Will you come with me with to the bathroom?

- Later.

- Commander, please.

It's my fault.

I wanna show you something.

- You want to show me here?

- It's on my chest.

(dramatic music) - Jack, I don't wanna talk about your symptoms now but they're not very hard to explain.

Now you feel guilty because you were with both of these women when they were killed.

- And you don't think that in itself is strange?

- A man should have the feeling that he could have done something to stop it, coupled with guilt feelings for having murderous thoughts.

- Well look at this.

- Guilt feelings for having murderous wishes towards these women for Oedipal reasons for both of which you want to be punished.

- Will you look at this?

- So?

- I saw this in the palm of each of my victims.

- Jack, I want to help you.

- Well then lock me up.

- Come on over to the hospital tomorrow and we'll talk it over.

- But someone's gonna die tonight!

- Will you two shut up.

- Jack, I can not help you unless you really want me to help you.

Now remember what I've told you.

(car horns honking) - Jack Whittier on the line for Cliff Mapes.

Cliff.

Jack, fine.

Little favor.

Now look, who would I talk to over there to find out if someone from Budapest is a red dart?

Maybe Chinese.

G-I-S-E-double L-E, Frennik, F-R-E-double N-I-K. French Romanian, about 30.

Um, correspondent for the Budapest house organ.

(phone ringing) - Jack Whittier.

Hi, angel.

Dr. Salmon?

Yes I did.

Now he has me thinking that whatever was bothering me was all in my mind.

No, no, that's just between me and my analyst.

Yeah, I'm fitting all the pieces together.

Beginning to think that while I was in Budapest (dramatic music) I was brain washed or something.

Yeah to cover up some political activities here.

Assassinations.

What?

(dramatic music) You wanna come over here?

Tonight?

Sure.

I just hope your secret service man never publishes a book.

Sure, sure, come over.

(dramatic music) uh.

No, maybe you better not, (crying) oh God, please.

Don't let me go through this.

(eerie dramatic music) (werewolf growing) (lamp smashing) (werewolf panting) (glass breaking) - Hey, we're going for a walk.

- Good idea, let's go.

- Oh no, no.

Without you, You know, we wanna a make it, you know what I mean, don't you?

Make it.

Do it.

- The capitol steps.

- No man, we really want to take a walk.

- Could you stay behind, you know like a hundred paces?

- 'Cause seriously I want to make a phone call, Mr.

Uh?

- Murphy.

Randy Murphy.

- I'm gonna go call Sally, okay?

- Yeah, all right.

(wind howling) Information, yeah, Randy Murphy.

He's someone in Georgetown I think.

Yeah.

Right, thank you.

(phone dial clinking) Hello Mrs. Murphy, (snorting) this is the werewolf of Washington I know just what you want (snorting).

- Are they in, Debbie?

- No, no I left a message, they'll be back later.

I said that we'd call them.

- Yeah well, you ready to come?

Look come on, let's go.

(werewolf snarling) (woman screaming) - No!

No!

(screaming) Help!

Police!

(woman screaming) (werewolf snarling) (woman screaming and crying) (gun shots firing) - Say folks, are you tired of yelling back at the TV?

Screaming endlessly at El Sapo and his ineptitude?

- I never heard anyone yelling lately.

- Yes, but I'm sure there are many people constantly yelling at you, we can't hear them.

I wish someone would invent a way for the people to tell you exactly what they think.

- Someone has, it's called email.

Folks can email us at info@nightmaretheatre.com, you can even compliment me if you have a mind to.

- No chance that'll happen.

Send us an email, let us know what you think.

Mittens and El Sapo are standing by to read your thoughts.

(thunder and lighting cracking) (upbeat horror music) You know many people don't realize the importance of Minnesota in popular music - Really?

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

- I mean Prince, Morris Day and the time, Soul Asylum - What about the Rolling Stones?

- No, they're not from Minnesota, do you know.

- Whoa, it's my mother in law, look!

- Welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

We are again here in the sub-sub-sub-sub basement of the television station with the mysterious Curator.

And he's brought us more amazing items from the Merrill Movie Museum for us to take a look at tonight.

So, Curator, without further ado, why don't you tell us what we have here.

- So this is Academy Award winning make up here.

These are pieces that were done for the 2010 version of "The Wolfman", directed by Joe Johnson, a remake of the original Universal film starring Benicio del Toro and in this case, actually worn by Sir Anthony Hopkins.

He was the senior wolf man in the film so these are some of the piece that went in to transforming him in to a werewolf.

- And he actually touched these?

- He not only touched them he wore them, had the teeth in his mouth.

- So who was the make-up artist on this?

- Uh, Rick Baker.

- The great Rick Baker.

- Who is a multiple academy award winner.

This is one of the last films he did before he retired, one of the last films that he won an Academy Award for, he is now retired.

But you can see there are several pieces that would go in.

He would need to wear the mask, he'd have to put the teeth would go in and then this is kind of like a lower jaw.

This would be a cowl that would go over the chest part so his head would come through here.

- Oh my.

- And you can see it's showing some age so it's crumbling a little bit there.

- [El Sapo] Like Anthony Hopkins himself.

- Indeed, and then he'd wear the gloves.

- He had small hands, didn't he.

- Yes.

And then they'd have the nails that would go on to the gloves.

So all of this would go together, along with costuming, along with whatever other effects they put on him to transform him in to a scary werewolf.

- Now in the, we'll call it the olden times of film, this was what they had.

There weren't computer generated effects, there weren't, you know, they couldn't do anything that way so everything going back to guys like Lon Chaney who, with cotton wadding, and fish hooks to hold his eyes open to make him look more.

So how has this evolved over the years?

- Well, I mean in those days they would have just kind of quick cut away and maybe they'd have a couple of different masks.

You still see some of that technique in some things.

But now they do aid these kinds of transformation scenes with computer graphics and things like that.

You may still have a transformational piece that's done to show a more lingering shot on a piece of transformation, but generally they would be enhanced or somehow, if not just totally done with effects.

Which happens a lot now too with motion capture, they might not even bother now to create the mask any more, they may just create the whole thing on a computer.

- Like my head.

- Right, right yeah.

But when you talk about a guy like Rick Baker, he's been long associated with werewolves.

I mean I think we can talk about "An American Werewolf in London" as probably the scene that made him as an effects artist, I mean, he'd done a lot of work before that, but that scene is so incredible.

The scene where David Naughton actually turns in to a werewolf which was done all with practical effects at that time.

- Right, yeah that more or less made his reputation.

And in fact when Michael Jackson was looking to have make-up done for the "Thriller" video that was what he referenced, and he went to Rick Baker and Rick Baker did the whole make-up and effects on that which were again done without any kind of computer enhancement or anything like that, that's all straight make-up.

So, not only Michael Jackson's transformation in the "Thriller" video but everything, all the zombies and everything like that that are in the "Thriller" video that comes from Rick Baker.

- Wow.

Interesting.

- He's done an enormous number of films but this particular film was a real passion project for everybody that was involved with it because they were such fans of the original Lon Chaney werewolf in "The Wolfman."

So everybody that was involved in this really wanted to do a first quality werewolf movie.

Critics may not think they achieved that, but at least from the Academy Award standpoint.

- Watch that director's cut, it's pretty great.

- Yeah.

- But you know, werewolves of course, spread throughout cinema history.

Like even tonight's movie we're showing "Werewolf of Washington" but things like going back to Lon Chaney and Henry Hull, and "Werewolf of London" and you know, up to things like "American Werewolf in London" and "The Howling" and all those types of films.

Werewolves have just continually stayed a cinematic monster.

Why do you think that is?

- There's something visceral about that kind of transformation I think, and that whole idea of becoming something else that's really at the root of a lot of horror really.

- Exactly.

- So let's get back to "The Werewolf of Washington" here, on Nightmare Theatre.

(all talking) - [Interviewer] Mr. President.

- Ladies and gentlemen, before I answer your questions I would like to make a brief announcement.

I have called this conference because of the mass hysteria and our tragedy surrounding a case that we're all very much aware of (coughing) aware of, aware of.

And today I'm pleased to announce the indictment of uh, (coughing).

Secondly, the anarchist must be punished.

And thirdly, - I think he's missing a page.

(crowd murmuring) - We must have Captree on the supreme court.

If he so threatens the people they will stop at nothing.

(clearing throat) Uh, questions.

- [Reporters] Mr. President.

- [President] Uh, yes.

- Sir, is it true that the same black man you're holding for murder was himself brutally attacked last night?

- No, I, I didn't point at you.

I was pointing at her, her.

(crowd murmuring) - Mr. President, the Vice President made a speech last night, I was wondering if you would comment on that.

- Yes, I'm glad you asked that question.

I would like to make one thing perfectly clear.

(chair scraping) The Vice President does not clear his speeches with me.

(laughing) - [Reporters] Mr. President.

- Is the conference over?

- Um, no.

I just had to leave.

- You know I tried calling you last, after you hung up.

Where were you?

- Did you?

Where was I?

(haunting music) I don't know.

- Jack, I'm sorry to interrupt but that colored, that black kid died.

- I don't care what it is you're going through son, Commander Salmon assures me your problems will not interfere with your job and that's good enough for me.

- But I don't think Dr. Salmon understands.

- Now wait, wait, wait, Jack wait.

(pins falling over) (laughing) Ah look at that.

Now jack, - Sir.

- Now I don't care what this gyspy lady told you.

Commander Salmon tells me that in your case, or lets say that in this case, the existence of a werewolf has not been verified so how could you be a werewolf?

- Well sir, I.

- Where's the ball?

Where's the damn ball?

- But sir.

- By god either take off your shoes or get in the gutter.

Jack I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, when you run this department I get frightened too.

(groaning and struggling) I like you Jack, I really do.

You're like the son I never had.

I see a lot of myself in you.

They tell me you're going places Jack and I'd like to be part of it.

There it is, coming up just there.

- Mr. President, tonight, when the moon is full.

- Oh Jack, not "tonight when the moon is full" get a hold of yourself boy!

(mumbling) You're just going through a crisis.

I know about crisis.

If you're running from this one you'll run for the rest of your life.

Jack, where'd you go to school?

- The University of Chicago, sir.

- Did you ever play any ball there?

- Just four-wall handball, sir, they didn't have varsity sports.

- Now that's all right there's nothing wrong with four-wall handball.

Here, why don't you take a ball and why don't you bowl a few frames with me?

Go on, take a ball and get over to the alley over there.

Just pick it up and step over there, that's it.

All right jack, I want you to watch this.

Watch me jack.

- Yes.

- Watch, here we go.

(pins falling down) (laughing) Ha!

Look at that shot!

All right now you take a shot.

Go ahead.

Now take a shot.

(dramatic music) This morning's vote for senate let me have the man I want on the Supreme Court.

Do you think I don't care about that, hm?

Do you?

Take your position there, go on.

Get up to the line there, that's it.

I can show you the top amount of time for testing and soul searching.

I'll strike out at my enemy swiftly and boldly maybe even tonight.

What's the matter boy?

Jack?

- Yes.

- Throw the ball, throw the ball.

- Don't, not like that.

Look, get down, bend your knees.

Bend your knees.

Bend your knees.

Bend your Knees!

Yes, ah that's it, now rip the ball back and then just let it slip down the alley.

Right, that's it, get the ball right down there.

Get your knees down there, now, when you get the ball back here just let it whizz, let it go, okay?

Now, you think I run from the battle?

You think I shirk from it?

Jack will you throw the ball, throw the ball down there.

- Yes sir.

- If I were to shoot now I'd be aiming out of sheer recklessness and I'd miss the target completely.

Well son, only a few of us left in the boat now.

Got to stick together and strengthen one another.

I believe in you Jack.

I want you to believe in me.

Now I promise to stand by you in this crisis Jack, if you'll promise me that you'll stand by yourself.

Jack, will you throw the ball for Christ's sake!

- I can't sir.

- Well sure you can, just throw it!

- No I can't, I've been trying to tell you.

- Jack what kind of a man are you anyway?

- I've been tryin' to tell you sir.

The first thing happens my fingers start to swell before the moon rises, and now my fingers are stuck in a ball, I can't get it off!

- Ah, Jack, I have a meeting in the war room.

Now please.

- I can't go!

- Jack, look, Commander Salmon will be there, everything will be calm.

- I'm stuck in the ball!

- Give me that damned ball!

(struggling and groaning) (panting) Nothing wrong with that ball.

Nothing at all.

- [Announcer] We now present a paid political advertisement from Mittens T. Werewolf.

El Sapo de Tempesto under protest has agreed to interpret after Mittens threatened legal action.

It's his fault for signing an interpreter contract.

- [El Sapo As Mittens] Hello, I am Mittens T. Werewolf and I would like to take a moment to respond to some of the scurrilous, now where did he learn that word?

Allegations made by my opponent in the upcoming, first I have never mutilated any old lady within the legal city limits drawn and defined on the 1978 city map of London.

Second, I would like to once again remind you folks who exposed you to El Sapo in the first place.

It was the Baron!

I am the best candidate for this job because if it comes down to it I will chew off El Sapo's legs and he won't be able to come anywhere near your homes or businesses.

- Now come on guys, this is pushing it a bit have to be friends.

Okay.

- [El Sapo As Mittens] Okay, on election day, vote for your old pal Mittens.

If elected he will bring each and every one of you your morning paper.

- [Announcer] This has been a paid political announcement on behalf of Mittens T. Werewolf.

Morning paper may be chewed slightly.

Once again, El Sapo has asked me to remind you he did this under protest.

- An entire country is talking about sex murders and the Washington weird wolf.

This is just what the papers have been waiting for.

Did you see the article in this morning's Times?

Articles like that are appearing in every newspaper in every city of the country.

(background chatter from group) The networks, they can't even control their own people anymore.

That circus of hippies out the White House is getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Congress is threatening you with impeachment proceedings.

I am afraid of complete civil disorder.

My recommendation is we declare marshal law, put a curfew on the whole city and bring the army in on this.

(camera clicking) - [Council Member] The army?

- I think we should hold off on that.

Gentlemen, settle down.

I'd like to come directly to the point, I would like to be able to announce the withdrawal of all troops totally and immediately in south east Asia.

Frankly I'm afraid of the reaction from the lunatic right.

General Dorota, excuse me General, Admiral.

Admiral Dorota you are a politically astute tactician, well aware of the tensions of the home front.

What could I do to keep down casualties here and abroad while I speed up troop withdrawals?

- Sir, if we can make just one last quick thrust in to his sanctuaries, covered by a reactive, protracted reconnaissance.

An active radiative reconnaissance.

- Radiation?

What'd I miss?

- [President] Try to stay awake over there Harry.

Yes?

- A protective, reactive reconnaissance.

An active.

- Okay.

Let's do it.

- [Attorney General] Sir, don't you think we should notify congress?

- Notify congress?

What do you think Jack?

Jack?

(dramatic music) Oh, damn it, let's just ignore him.

Gentlemen, our credibility is at stake throughout the world.

No I will not be found wanting in this nuclear age.

(applause) Just one more thing gentlemen.

About our plan to recognize red China.

(group laughing) - [Council Member] (laughing) Oh, Mr. President.

Great kidder, isn't he?

- (laughing) yes, humorous.

(dramatic music) Jack?

Jack, (dramatic music) Jack what the hell time is it?

Jack!

Mind yourself Jack!

Jack!

Gentlemen will you please excuse the boy, he hasn't been feeling too well.

(dramatic music) (machinery rumbling) (gun shots firing) (alarms sounding) - Wait, wait, what is your.

Wait!

Wait!

What is your name?

What?

What is your name?

You have a name!

What is your name?

Tell me your name.

(werewolf sniffing) What is your name?

(laughing) Are you real?

Are you really real?

- [Announcer] We now present a paid political announcement from El Sapo de Tempesto.

- Oh hello there, my name is El Sapo de Tempesto and I'd like to take a few minutes to talk to you about some of the greatest issues of our age!

You know, they say it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.

And let me tell you, they are right.

Do you hear me America?

We need tender chickens, as Americans we demand and are in fact are entitled to tender chickens!

And why, why do we not have tender chickens?

Because we have lost our way.

We have forgotten the things that make this country great!

We have forgotten the Alamo.

We have forgotten great shows like "Eight is Enough"!

"Eight is Enough" was a great show!

And how many pieces of chicken are in bucket of chicken?

Two legs, two thighs, two wings, and two breasts.

And according to my friend at MIT, that adds up to eight!

And eight used to be enough.

We need to return to a simpler time!

And this election cycle you have a choice.

It is our golden fried moment folks, so on election day vote for tender chickens.

Oh, and when it comes to that race for neighborhood watch captain don't vote for either of those two clods.

Write in the name of greatest American hero of all time: Colonel Harland Sanders.

He will save us all!

Politics and ambition are destroying me and my friends.

Vote for the Colonel!

- [Announcer] This has been an embarrassing paid political announcement on behalf of Sapos For a Better Tomorrow.

Sorry folks.

(birds chirping) (somber music) (dramatic music) - My name is Whittier, I called earlier about some silver bullets.

No, I want them with powder, and tonight.

All right, $500, I don't care.

No they don't have to be ballistically perfect.

Well can you make one by tonight?

All right, then send my one.

(machine reel rolling) - [President] Well if bullets won't stop it maybe we can get it with a tank or a flamethrower.

- I don't want him destroyed under any circumstances, don't you realize how important it is to our programs?

You must issue the order that he be taken alive.

- It's damn interesting, Dr.

Kiss, about the programs.

Just what the hell are our scientific programs?

- I haven't any more time for this, I have my own work to tend to.

- Well then he was pretty much alarmed, I mean, if word leaks out that there's a werewolf running around and that we can't kill it.

- Well, just don't let it.

Only you and I have seen this, just keep all the people off the streets tonight and we'll handle it.

- I don't know about that, you know I'm up to my neck in this Asian policy stuff.

And then those two students out in Ohio.

- I respectfully submit sir, that that is your problem.

- Yes.

Oh, uh, Dr.

Kiss?

(door knocking) Dr.

Kiss.

Dr.

Kiss, what do you think of my south east Asian policy?

Dr.

Kiss?

Oh.

(machinery humming) - Okay.

Mrs. Captree.

The publisher.

The black kid.

The guard in the Pentagon last night.

And this is the same shape as the scar on my shoulder.

With just one night to fill in the shape of the five pointed star.

Another murder tonight, at Watergate.

My apartment.

- And there's no doubt about it, the shoes we found at the Pentagon are his.

- And the shirt.

- And the shirt.

- If I could just catch a plane tomorrow, I'll have a full month to find that old gypsy woman before the full moon rises again.

And doctor, I know you could find a way to tell the president so that there won't be a search for me tonight or an investigation.

But you have to lock me up tonight.

- All right, I'm convinced.

We'll lock you up.

We can't let the press know about this.

We can't let any body know about it.

- There's no doubt the press would seize on your personal tragedy to discredit the President.

- Well frankly I don't even want him to know.

He's got enough on his mind already.

- Jack, I'm sorry about this.

- Could you tell... - Marion?

All right, I'll tell her.

- I even think I might be able to get some rest tonight knowing I'm chained up.

Let's go.

- [Jack] What's that?

- It's a time lapse camera Jack.

Presumably it 'll go on during the transformation.

If you are what you say you are, we owe it to science to make a record of it.

And the president wants a copy for his new library.

- Oh Captain Salmon, would you turn on that television for me?

I'd like to watch the President's address tonight.

(TV announcing news) - I have to leave soon Jack, I'll be back after the address is over.

- I can't believe I have to go through another night of this agony.

(exhaling loudly) Caption Salmon, can you see that cane?

The cane right by the television set.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

And now hit me with it.

Hit me with it, on the head!

Kill me!

I'm just a violent beast and I'm better off dead!

I'm better off dead!

Kill me will ya!

- Jack!

Pull yourself together Jack!

Now there's nothing to whimper about.

Now I guess this station will do.

He's gonna be on all the stations.

All right, Jack.

I'll be back after the address.

(door closing) (eerie music) (television static) (timer ticking) (dramatic music) - Oh my God.

- Marion.

- Who did this to you Jack?

- No one did anything to me Marion.

Will you get out of here?

- Are you insane, who did this to you?

- Marion would you leave my chains alone?

- Did you do this to yourself?

- No, just leave them alone Marion, Damn it!

Will you get out of here?

Out!

Out!

- Will you please stop barking at me?

(Jack crying) (Jack crying) Now please stop that nonsense.

- It's not nonsense Marion, please will you leave before anything happens to you.

- No, I'm not going to leave, of course not.

In fact, I'm spending the night here.

- What!

- So that you can see that this is all in your mind.

- Oh Marion, get the hell out of here!

- Don't worry, I'll leave your chains on.

What's that?

- Marion, just next to the TV there's a gun there, you see it?

All right, it's loaded.

Now if anything happens to me, if I change, that's the only thing that can keep me from killing someone else.

- Oh Jack, stop it!

- Marion, if you insist on staying here you could at least do that for me, keep it with you at all times.

Now you can do that for me can't you Marion?

You could at least do that!

(dramatic music) (panting) (phone ringing) oh don't answer it!

- Hello?

It's Daddy.

- Mr. President.

- Hi Jack, I know I gave you a few days off but it's jus that the press secretary is ill and I need you there.

I guess it's my most important address ever.

I'm announcing a funds limitation agreement with the Chinese foreign minister and I just don't want the public to think that it's a cover for the curfew I'm imposing upon Washington tonight.

I just don't wanna sound like the little boy who cried wolf, do you know what I mean Jack?

What?

Jack I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to insist.

I've already sent a chopper over there to pick you up.

- Hello and welcome back.

Well the election is over and the results should be coming in now.

In fact, Sapo turn on the radio.

- [Radio] A dangerous plague has devastated the mid west and is making it's way towards us.

In election news the polls are now closed, and with 100% of the precincts reporting we are ready to declare a winner in the Lugosi Lane neighborhood watch captain race.

The Baron Mondo Von Doren; one vote, Mittens T. Werewolf; one vote, and the winner appears to be a write in candidate, Colonel Harland D. Sanders; 10,043 votes.

It appears the voters wanted a dead man over either of those two and I can't say as I blame them.

- Well that's just great, turn that off!

There goes my chance to start ruling the world, one neighborhood, one street at a time.

Wait, there aren't 10,000 people in the neighborhood!

- Well, they did let some folks vote more than once.

I myself snuck in and voted 10,038 times.

- Dang it!

Both of us lost, Mittens.

You know, while we might have been opponents with different visions of how best to run the neighborhood, I think we can agree on one thing.

This guy ruins everything.

Everything!

Now let's get back to the thrilling conclusion of "Werewolf of Washington."

- Well on the positive side boss, you didn't have to shake many babies, or kiss any ugly hands.

- There is that, I'll take that as a win.

(helicopter roaring) - Mr. President, isn't that your helicopter over there?

- They're all my helicopter Jack.

- Ah.

(laughing) (helicopter drowns out speaker) - You go over there.

Well, this is a special occasion Mr. Prime Minister.

It's the first time we've ever interrupted our nation's television broadcasting for an unannounced press conference.

Isn't that right Jack?

- [Foreign Minister] I understand it comes at a very good time.

Is it true that everybody in Washington is afraid of the werewolf?

- (laughing) Werewolf?

No, no.

I haven't heard that story.

- Oh, is that so?

(engine roaring) I read a report of it in one of the Hanoi papers.

It sounded like a case of mass hysteria.

(laughing) - Well, it sounds like an amusing report Mr. Prime Minister.

Jack, would you look in to that?

Jack?

A werewolf (laughing).

(helicopter engine roaring) Jack?

(laughing) I haven't read any of those Hanoi papers.

(laughing) A werewolf.

Now, Mr. Foreign Prime Minister.

We will introduce you to the nation and then I will come on next with.

(shouting in foreign language) No, Mr. Prime Minister, we are going to introduce you first to the nation.

Uh, let me see (speaking in foreign language) how do you uh, how do you say that in Chinese, uh (speaking in foreign language) you'll be the grab piece, and you'll get the people and then that'll raise a certain amount of speculation Mr. Prime Minister, and then I'll come on and that'll give the people what they've been waiting for.

Do you understand?

I come on, Mr. Prime Minister, you're not listening.

Mr. Prime Minister?

(speaking in foreign language) Do you understand Mr. Prime Minister?

- [Prime Minister] I don't understand at all.

- [President] Then I come on and I'll - [Prime Minister] I'm not talking about this, I'm talking about this!

This is not the thing I want.

I don't want him here!

- What?

Just leave Jack out of this now will you just talk to me for a moment.

What I'm talking about Mr. Prime Minister - [Prime Minister] Let's talk about this first, I don't want to see him here!

- Mr. Prime Minister would you please pay attention here just a moment.

Now Jack, Jack, will you pay attention too!

Damn it!

(shouting in foreign language) - Is this a joke?

(shouting in foreign language) No, no, it's no joke Mr. Prime Minister, no war of course.

(shouting in foreign language) Now Jack, please just help me out here a little bit will you?

(speaking in foreign language) - I understand what you said.

But I don't know what you're talking about.

(helicopter whirring loudly) - I'll get his attention.

Jack, would you just pay a little attention over here, jack.

- No Jack!

This is hijack!

Hijack!

- No, no hijack, Mr. Prime Minister, no, no hijack.

(speaking in foreign language) You'll go before the nations.

- [Prime Minister] No more, (shouting in foreign language) I go!

(speaking in foreign language) I go!

I go!

- No, no, don't get off here.

We have to land sir, land.

Land.

Land.

Jack how do you say land?

Jack will you please try to pay some attention over here.

Mr. President, after we announce you.

(werewolf growling) Jack, you're right!

It is you!

(shouting) Jack, down boy!

Down Jack!

No no, don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Don't harm him at all.

Down Jack!

Jack, this is your President talking to you, now sit boy!

Sit!

Heel Jack!

(speaker muffled in panic) (panicked shouting) (dramatic music) (werewolf growing) (dramatic music) (werewolf growling and roaring) (shouting and struggling) (gun shots firing) (panicked shouting) - [Attorney General] Henry get a doctor over here quick.

All right, all right, keep back!

He may be the President but he's still a human being.

- Where is Jack Whittier?

- Oh my God, Marion!

- I just want to make one thing perfectly clear.

(mumbling in foreign language) (wolf howling) - Jack?

Jack, is that you?

(dramatic music) (banging) (dramatic music) (Marion screaming) (werewolf growling) (Marion wailing and panting) (werewolf growing) (gun shot firing) (werewolf wailing) (Marion crying and screaming) - Marion!

- It's all right, it's all right.

(somber music) - Oh good god, it was Whittier.

- (wailing) Jack!

Jack, I didn't know!

- Get Marion out of here.

(screaming) Jack!

I don't want the press to know she's here.

- [Marion] (wailing) Jack, Jack, Jack!

Jack!

- Now if this gets out.

- What gets out general?

He's changed back.

Who's to say any of us saw what we saw?

- An autopsy, he'll have an autopsy, no.

No, no, my mind, it's playing tricks on me.

Listen we'll, we'll give him a, uh, a hero's burial.

He came between a snipers bullet and the President's daughter.

You trace this gun, find out who the owner is.

No, no, bury it.

Bury it, bury it with last year's nerve gas.

- The President's gonna be all right, he just has a little bite on the neck.

- Thank God.

Hal!

Tell Marion her father's gonna be, aw, nevermind.

Well, your guys won't have Jack Whittier to kick around any more.

(wolves howling) (eerie music) - [President Voiceover] My fellow Americans.

This is your President speaking to you from the White House.

First, I want to thank you for your letters and telegrams offering me your best wishes during my recent illness.

Secondly, I know I can count on your support as I lash out against the enemies of America.

Both in the press as well as the Senate, Republicans as well as Democrats.

White as well as black, who have circulated the vicious rumors holding members of my administration responsible for the recent and tragic deaths of just a few of my political opponents.

At night, I roam the silent empty corridors of this great house, wrestling with my conscience.

And I've come to this conclusion, if I'm to prevent our enemies from destroying not me, but the very office of the presidency, I must have your support.

And so, and so... and so... (growl rumbling) and so, (low grumbling) (wolf howling) - Welcome back, well that was some ending, wasn't it?

No one saw that coming.

No one.

Not even the actors in this film.

- Boss, Mittens, now that this election is over do you suppose things can get back to normal?

Can we all be friends again?

- I suppose so, Sapo.

Mittens, let's bury the hatchet.

No, no, not in Sapo's head where it belongs.

Let's put the election behind us and get along.

None of use are cut out for electoral politics I guess, at least not when it comes to democracy.

I'm more of a King, Emperor type.

Voting is for suckers.

- Oh boss, you don't believe that.

I mean, come on, we both voted for that guy in that talent show and he won.

But then he went crazy and ate all those people and he went to prison, but he still won, thanks in part to our votes.

- You're right I guess.

I take back what I said.

Democracy is the greatest system in the world, and it's up to all of us to vote.

The right to vote is one of our most precious rights, and far too many of us ignore it.

You should all vote.

Especially for me, dang it!

I should have won that election.

I am meant to rule you people, what is wrong with you?

Can you not see a leader when he stands before you?

- Ah now calm down boss.

Would it make you feel better if I showed you what we have on deck for next week?

- Probably not, there's no way it would be worse than what we just watched though.

- We have this boss.

(somber music) - Your uncle didn't die from natural causes.

In fact he may have been murdered.

- Murdered?

(police car siren) - [Narrator] A town terrorized by an unknown killer.

And the killer hunt is on.

Is it the village belle, or her sweetheart?

Is it the beloved doctor?

Or the town drunk?

Could it be the accommodating waitress, or the stranger?

- What's your secret?

- The kind I fled the county with?

- Sure.

- Well, I'm really the devil.

- [Narrator] But whoever the stranger is, he's raising the devil in town.

The devil's partner is busy too.

(dog barking) - Prince, it's me!

(dramatic music) Prince!

- [Narrator] A blood marked trail will take you in to shocking terror.

(horse whinnying) Half man, half beast.

(gun shot firing) He sold his soul to the devil.

- Wow.

I might be wrong.

That looks awful, we'll get through it though.

So until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

And remember to vote in the next election for ME!

(thunder and lighting cracking) (rock music)